Question from the UK – How on Earth Do You Get Over Sex Addiction Betrayal?


Message: Hi JoAnn. I can’t subscribe as from the UK, wondered if you could put my message on the main page, so I can see replies please?

Question from the UK – How on Earth do you get over sex addiction betrayal?

My story is very similar to other sex addiction stories what I have read on your site – an 18 year sham relationship. I have been lied to, manipulates and gaslighted by a truly evil narcissist, who has even taken money from his kid’s bank accounts to fund his sordid habit.

I got chlamydia and gonorrhea for Christmas, yet when he got tested after, his results came back clear, so in friends and families eyes he is innocent. He even left himself a reminder on the table, ‘Ciana – 10am Saturday’, then changed it to say ‘Cinema’ when he returned home an hour later.

I had a breakdown. I couldn’t eat, sleep or function. I spent a month on a mental ward. I am now stronger, and moved out of the facade of a forever family home. That’s another sore point – he is only paying interest only payments on the mortgage, so that he has extra money in his pocket. I’ve moved into a rental and the children share their time with me and their perfect Dad. I’m hoping that will change though as he intends to sell the family home.

My new home is lovely and the children are settled, however, I am still a shaking wreck. I am on 2 lots of antidepressants and am eating and semi -sleeping, but I don’t know what I can do to get over my all consuming intrusive thoughts. I am too depressed to read or watch TV and too ill to work, so I don’t know how to fill my time and distract me from my thoughts. The summer holidays are almost here, yet I am no longer the confident, proactive Mum, taking the kids for trips out. I just want to curl up in a ball…

Everyone says it’s a grieving process and it will take time. I just can’t stand that it fills my head constantly. Any advice please?


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Why? A Partner Speaks On Sex Addiction

Why does a man choose hookers over his family? Why didn’t we see this major flaw in our husbands? Why do we stay and have nervous breakdowns when we find out? Why do therapists push us towards acknowledging our part? Why are we triggered? Why can’t we just walk out the door and never look back? Why do we seek help for them? Why do they blame us? Why do our friends and family want us to just get over it? Why did this man who watched me deliver our daughter/son leave the hospital and seek out a prostitue? And the winner is “why can’t they be helped?”


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  1. Hi T,

    I am so, so sorry for the trauma you have suffered and for the continued stress that you are enduring. I hear your pain and I do understand how awful life seems right now. When we are in the middle of our journey out of hell there appears to be no end to the pain.

    Please know that it will eventually get better. It sounds like you are doing all that you can, especially with the anti depressants, which I always recommend for situations like yours. You may need a different type of anti depressant as each person responds differently to the many types available. Please talk with your health care provider and tell them how you are feeling and that you are sleeping.

    Don’t feel as though you have to conquer this all at once, that’s an impossible task. Set tiny goals so that you can feel good when you accomplish them. These could be a small as going out for an hour once a week to enjoy something you really like, such as a movie, a trip to the library, shopping and buying yourself a small gift that you wouldn’t ordinarily buy…things like that. One baby step at a time. The positive feedback will help with your depression. Then add another tiny goal, something just for yourself. You are a strong woman, you will get through this and the confidant, proactive woman that you are will emerge again.

    I will post your letter on my site and hopefully you will get some suggestions from other partners.

    As for being in the UK, I have and have had many women subscribe from the UK and from all over the world, so there should be no problem with you subscribing if you choose to do so.

    I am sending all my best energy and courage to you.

  2. Thanks joann. I think I am trauma bonded as I have returned to live with him. Things are no better and I am very depressed.

    1. I am so sorry Tracy, that you feel that you had to make that decision. We all leave when we are ready, and not before. I will be thinking of you and sending you courage and strength.

      Here’s a quote from a post in the forums from one of the Sisters–the author is unknown. I think sums up all of our experiences:

      The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person
      you love as the person you love, and you begin to see
      them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but
      as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and
      even the core of a child.

      The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you
      would do in a circumstance is not what they would do,
      and that no matter how much you try, they have to
      learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the
      stove when it’s hot, just as you did, to learn that it
      is much better when it is cold.

      The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly
      replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to
      them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find
      yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the
      good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end
      of the day you can’t count on their arms for comfort.

      The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and
      decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse,
      and whether when you need them, they cause more
      heartache than bliss.

      The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more
      than they offer and stop blaming them for being less
      than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more
      inviting and kind, and you remember what it’s like to
      feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been
      since your lover whispered something in your ear that
      only the two of you would know.

      The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults
      and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you
      know that you tried harder than you ever tried before,
      and you know in your heart that love should not be so
      much work.

      The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror
      and like who you see, and know that leaving them or
      losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your

      The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is
      just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your
      heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to
      be and who you will become.

      The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never
      really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you
      may or may not have been loved back. And you promise
      yourself never again to lay in arms that don’t know
      how to cherish the kindness in your heart.

      The Pain Stops: when you are ready.

  3. It is a journey for all of us, Here is a glimpse into my Journey thank you in advanced for listing. I was and have been obsessed with fixing my husband since before we were married, I was aware of his sexual addition prior to wedding. He would miss text me things, like ” I only have 40 mins, for our secret sexy rendevous” when he was not planning a secret sexy rendevous of any kind planned, He left my bed and would miss text me things like: “baby I am near i just need your address.” Currently walking through a path of healing for myself. Learning about my co-dependency and what made me focus on and love someone who; I knew was a sex addict.
    He had a perverse nature and wanted me to preform, and act out with him and I did enough to convience him that I was on-board, I also told him I was sure the the sexual appitite he demonstrated was going to be a huge hurdle in our attempt to marry.
    I spent years following him on google maps, experencing extream anxiety when he was away, going through his phone and other obssessed activity. I wanted to catch him red handed: because of his dennial. His ability to behave in narccisitc ways Saying “I have never nor would ever do anything wrong” although I saw many sign of evidence, I never actally walked in on him. I hope if I could catch him that he would conceided to seek help, that he could face the deynal, and admit that it was an issue.
    Now that we are seperated, I feel so much better, I no longer care where he is or what he is doing. It has been a 6 month recovery, for me so far and I often still think about the relationship, much to often, I hope once we are divorced and I contunue growing in my own effort of realizing why I made him my Higher Power, and wanted to Fix Him. I am so happy that I am growing and healing, I did not feel like I would ever have energy to be myself again for so long. I am working on healing in body, doing yoga to aide in my effort, it is a journey that I am half way through. It was difficult because my husband took care of me, fincially and I have had to grow in my effort to provide for myself. It is a very healthy change for me to have left him.

  4. I. too, am struggling as I was married almost 33 years. I realized about year 20 that he was really into pornography when I found Barely Legal and Eighteen magazines. At that time he was a high school guidance counselor which made me sick. I tried so hard to get him to go with me for counseling and he always refused. Before the guidance counselor, he was a Director of a Mental Health Center. He moved out of our home 3 months ago due to a boundary I set. More about that later. Some days all I want to do his cry. I feel so very stupid for not recognizing how fast his addiction progressed this year. Hugs and good thoughts to all of you. I have to say fear and sadness are overwhelming. I feel so so stupid.