Wisdom and a Question From One of Our Sisters on Abuse

Fifty years ago, if you were a battered woman, you probably wouldn’t tell anyone. And if you did, what advice would they have given you?–how to cope, how to stay, how to tiptoe around so that you wouldn’t trigger his temper?

You would be told all the ways that leaving would hurt your family, your children. Your fears of what would happen to you financially would be reinforced. Your fears that you would never find anyone better and would end up alone would be reinforced.

You would be encouraged to look at all his good qualities and to forgive him.

This would have been the support, help and advice you would be given. Oh, and you would be “listened” to.

But today – we have evolved as a society. Any professional who would encourage a woman to stay in a physically abusive situation would be considered a quack!

And god forbid, what if he hit you twice? Or three times?!? What if a friend said,  ‘well he only seems to beat me every few years’.

He has family of origin issues, his job is stressful, he really loves me, he can’t help it, we have been together for so long. I can’t leave because of the children, or the money etc.

What would you tell her?

He hasn’t broken any bones, he only slapped me, or pushed me. It’s not that bad. He’s sorry, he is working on it. He promises he wont do it again. It only happens when he drinks so I’ll help him stay sober. We can work on it together. He needs me, my help, my love. We have been together for ten years, or twenty…

Dear god in heaven–what would any of us say in that kind of a situation?!? Why did I think the abuse my ex put me through was any different? Better? Because it isn’t. It is much worse.

I would have taken a punch any day over what I got!

Not to mention that our lives/health also is literally endangered by these guys! So why would we encourage anyone to stay? To “work it out” with their abuser? Please forgive me if this is triggering or upsetting to anyone. I am not tying to be judgmental. But it occurred to me that we are on the cusp of some kind of evolution where it will not be acceptable anymore to be treated or watch someone else be treated with this kind of abuse.

Please, tell me how what these SAs have done to us is any better or different from beating the living shit out of us? Do the scars have to be physical to be considered real?

Just replace every D-day with a punch in the face or a visit in ICU. So now what do you do? And what do you tell your sisters and daughters to do?

I am really asking. I love you all.

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Why does a man choose hookers over his family? Why didn’t we see this major flaw in our husbands? Why do we stay and have nervous breakdowns when we find out? Why do therapists push us towards acknowledging our part? Why are we triggered? Why can’t we just walk out the door and never look back? Why do we seek help for them? Why do they blame us? Why do our friends and family want us to just get over it? Why did this man who watched me deliver our daughter/son leave the hospital and seek out a prostitue? And the winner is “why can’t they be helped?”


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