Written by What to Ask Your Therapist
We believe sex addicts have no business treating partners.
Before You Agree to Work With a Therapist, Ask These Questions:
1. Are you a sex addict, a recovering sex addict, or a recovered sex addict? (It’s important to use all three terms so there’s no wiggle room.)
2. Do you treat partners using the trauma model or the codependent/co-addict model? (If they say ‘codependent’ or ‘a mix of both,’ find a therapist who uses only the trauma model.)
3. How do you feel about the codependent model? (If they say anything other than ‘it damages/further traumatizes partners, they are not current on the research.)
4. What is the recovery rate for sex addicts? (If they give an actual percentage, they are either mistakenly or purposely stating a false statistic.)
5. Do you know what ‘gaslighting’ is? (If they don’t, it indicates that they don’t understand the SA tools for abuse and are therefore not qualified to help you.)
6. How do you feel about the term ‘pain-shopping’? (That’s what therapists who are not current on the research call our need for the whole truth and the hyper-vigilance that is a normal symptom of trauma.)
7. What is your position/method of operation regarding formal disclosures? (Look for a therapist who believes you are entitled to all the information you want, as quickly as you want it.)
8. How do you feel about the statement, “What sex addicts do to partners is domestic abuse”? If they don’t agree, ask if their definition of abuse includes behavior that manipulates and injures a partner through lying, deception, blame-shifting, gaslighting, putting her health at risk, denying her the facts needed to make informed decisions for herself and her children, threats, criticism, unfounded accusations, putting her and her children in financial jeopardy through secret spending, etc. (If they can’t recognize what abuse is, then you are not safe with them.)
9. Are you trained to treat trauma/ptsd? (They cannot help you if they’re not.)
10. Are you familiar with Dr. Omar Minwalla’s work? (If they’re not, ask if they’d be willing to read some of his articles.)
For looking for a therapist you wrote…
“We believe sex addicts have no business treating partners.
Before You Agree to Work With a Therapist, Ask These Questions:
Are you a sex addict, a recovering sex addict, or a recovered sex addict? (It’s important to use all three terms so there’s no wiggle room.)”
So are you saying if they are or have been any of the following three, don’t go to them for therapy? Can you please explain why in detail.
Why would any partner go to a therapist who is a sex addict and reveal all of the intimate details of their trauma and sexual issues that they have with their sex addict? At the very least the therapist would not be objective about sex addiction and could give biased or even harmful advice to the partner. And at worst, the sex addict therapist would go home and fantasize over the intimate details that a vulnerable woman had shared during the counseling session.
Professionally it is inconceivable that a rape victim should ever be counseled by a rapist, that a victim of child abuse would ever be counseled by a pedophile or that a victim of Domestic Violence would be counseled by an abuser.
Partners have the right to know they are safe sharing their information with a therapist.