Written by Have you been wondering if your sex addict husband/boyfriend is a narcissist? Have you spent hours on youtube and long evenings reading articles comparing your sex addict’s behaviors with the traits of narcissists? Are you now an expert on Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
If so, you are not alone. Even professionals are questioning if sex addicts are narcissists. It seems quite trendy to label anyone who appears selfish and self serving as a narcissist. Unfortunately there is a lot of misinformation linking narcissism to sex addiction, so I’ll try to explain the similarities and the differences between the behaviors that we call sex addiction and the behaviors of someone who exhibits traits of a narcissist and someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Confusing? I know.
Let’s start with the sex addict. These men behave in ways that, on the surface, seem to indicate narcissistic behaviors. They are selfish and self centered, they don’t seem to care that the things they do hurt others in so many ways…emotionally, physically and financially. They show no remorse in the long run and they will appear to be accountable only when it suits their best interests.
So, does that make sex addicts narcissists? Maybe. Maybe not.
Do they have an actual Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Again, maybe or maybe not.
First, a ‘narcissist’ is not mentally ill. They do not have a personality disorder. Their actions may mimic someone who is disordered, but narcissists are not mentally ill. They are fully aware of what they do. They are calculating and self serving and have a huge ego. Narcissists have the ability to make choices and refuse to take responsibility for their bad choices. They love power, prestige and money. They are entitled and feel superior to others. They have no qualms about using or exploiting other people and because of their ruthlessness they often end up in powerful positions. They may be obnoxious but they are not mentally disordered.
People who have personality disorders exhibit clusters of traits or behaviors that fall on the far ends of the spectrum. In other words, the traits they exhibit are extreme. Their behaviors are severe and they are deeply troubled personalities.
The Mayo Clinic states, “Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”
If a person’s behaviors cause significant issues in their personal lives they should be persuaded to be evaluated by a psychologist or a psychiatrist for personality disorders. This can be difficult as people who have personality disorders rarely feel that they have a problem and most will resist diagnosis or treatment. People with personality disorders lead troubled lives and often leave a trail of failed relationships.
Personally, I feel that most men who exhibit behaviors of what is commonly called sex addiction do actually have a personality disorder. Unfortunately the study of mental illnesses and disorders is relatively young and fluid as neuroscience makes connections between the genetic nature and environmental nurture of certain behaviors.
So, are sex addicts narcissists? Are they mentally ill with a personality disorder? Or, are they just selfish and immature; unable to control their impulses and cannot foresee consequences?
I don’t have the answer. But, what I do know is that whenever a relationship involves deception, mistrust, lying, gaslighting and physical, emotional and financial risk, it is not a healthy relationship.
More information:
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/10720162.2019.1615585?casa_token=5pPuXFSgnMIAAAAA%3AEZRhh1xMKfFh0xPThhrvpoiTgPulwWeH1NhSor8qgi5zmC9sYW0bz-FXmqS0UkXLMOPHi3BTERPr9b0
https://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/KoteraRhodes2019.pdf