How Do You Get Over the Betrayal of Sex Addiction?

How on Earth do you get over sex addiction betrayal?

My story is very similar to other sex addiction stories what I have read on your site – an 18 year sham relationship. I have been lied to, manipulates and gaslighted by a truly evil narcissist, who has even taken money from his kid’s bank accounts to fund his sordid habit.

I got chlamydia and gonorrhea for Christmas, yet when he got tested after, his results came back clear, so in friends and families eyes he is innocent. He even left himself a reminder on the table, ‘Ciana – 10am Saturday’, then changed it to say ‘Cinema’ when he returned home an hour later.

I had a breakdown. I couldn’t eat, sleep or function. I spent a month on a mental ward. I am now stronger, and moved out of the facade of a forever family home. That’s another sore point – he is only paying interest only payments on the mortgage, so that he has extra money in his pocket. I’ve moved into a rental and the children share their time with me and their perfect Dad. I’m hoping that will change though as he intends to sell the family home.

My new home is lovely and the children are settled, however, I am still a shaking wreck. I am on 2 lots of antidepressants and am eating and semi -sleeping, but I don’t know what I can do to get over my all consuming intrusive thoughts. I am too depressed to read or watch TV and too ill to work, so I don’t know how to fill my time and distract me from my thoughts. The summer holidays are almost here, yet I am no longer the confident, proactive Mum, taking the kids for trips out. I just want to curl up in a ball…

Everyone says it’s a grieving process and it will take time. I just can’t stand that it fills my head constantly. Any advice please?


This Post Has 12 Comments

  1. JoAnn Russell, RN, MS

    Hi T,

    I am so, so sorry for the trauma you have suffered and for the continued stress that you are enduring. I hear your pain and I do understand how awful life seems right now. When we are in the middle of our journey out of hell there appears to be no end to the pain.

    Please know that it will eventually get better. It sounds like you are doing all that you can, especially with the anti depressants, which I always recommend for situations like yours. You may need a different type of anti depressant as each person responds differently to the many types available. Please talk with your health care provider and tell them how you are feeling and that you are sleeping.

    Don’t feel as though you have to conquer this all at once, that’s an impossible task. Set tiny goals so that you can feel good when you accomplish them. These could be a small as going out for an hour once a week to enjoy something you really like, such as a movie, a trip to the library, shopping and buying yourself a small gift that you wouldn’t ordinarily buy…things like that. One baby step at a time. The positive feedback will help with your depression. Then add another tiny goal, something just for yourself. You are a strong woman, you will get through this and the confidant, proactive woman that you are will emerge again.

    I will post your letter on my site and hopefully you will get some suggestions from other partners.

    As for being in the UK, I have and have had many women subscribe from the UK and from all over the world, so there should be no problem with you subscribing if you choose to do so.

    I am sending all my best energy and courage to you.

  2. Tracy

    Thanks joann. I think I am trauma bonded as I have returned to live with him. Things are no better and I am very depressed.

  3. JoAnn Russell, RN, MS

    I am so sorry Tracy, that you feel that you had to make that decision. We all leave when we are ready, and not before. I will be thinking of you and sending you courage and strength.

    Here’s a quote from a post in the forums from one of the Sisters–the author is unknown. I think sums up all of our experiences:

    The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person
    you love as the person you love, and you begin to see
    them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but
    as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and
    even the core of a child.

    The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you
    would do in a circumstance is not what they would do,
    and that no matter how much you try, they have to
    learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the
    stove when it’s hot, just as you did, to learn that it
    is much better when it is cold.

    The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly
    replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to
    them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find
    yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the
    good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end
    of the day you can’t count on their arms for comfort.

    The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and
    decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse,
    and whether when you need them, they cause more
    heartache than bliss.

    The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more
    than they offer and stop blaming them for being less
    than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more
    inviting and kind, and you remember what it’s like to
    feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been
    since your lover whispered something in your ear that
    only the two of you would know.

    The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults
    and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you
    know that you tried harder than you ever tried before,
    and you know in your heart that love should not be so
    much work.

    The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror
    and like who you see, and know that leaving them or
    losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your

    The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is
    just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your
    heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to
    be and who you will become.

    The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never
    really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you
    may or may not have been loved back. And you promise
    yourself never again to lay in arms that don’t know
    how to cherish the kindness in your heart.

    The Pain Stops: when you are ready.

  4. Shannon

    It is a journey for all of us, Here is a glimpse into my Journey thank you in advanced for listing. I was and have been obsessed with fixing my husband since before we were married, I was aware of his sexual addition prior to wedding. He would miss text me things, like ” I only have 40 mins, for our secret sexy rendevous” when he was not planning a secret sexy rendevous of any kind planned, He left my bed and would miss text me things like: “baby I am near i just need your address.” Currently walking through a path of healing for myself. Learning about my co-dependency and what made me focus on and love someone who; I knew was a sex addict.
    He had a perverse nature and wanted me to preform, and act out with him and I did enough to convience him that I was on-board, I also told him I was sure the the sexual appitite he demonstrated was going to be a huge hurdle in our attempt to marry.
    I spent years following him on google maps, experencing extream anxiety when he was away, going through his phone and other obssessed activity. I wanted to catch him red handed: because of his dennial. His ability to behave in narccisitc ways Saying “I have never nor would ever do anything wrong” although I saw many sign of evidence, I never actally walked in on him. I hope if I could catch him that he would conceided to seek help, that he could face the deynal, and admit that it was an issue.
    Now that we are seperated, I feel so much better, I no longer care where he is or what he is doing. It has been a 6 month recovery, for me so far and I often still think about the relationship, much to often, I hope once we are divorced and I contunue growing in my own effort of realizing why I made him my Higher Power, and wanted to Fix Him. I am so happy that I am growing and healing, I did not feel like I would ever have energy to be myself again for so long. I am working on healing in body, doing yoga to aide in my effort, it is a journey that I am half way through. It was difficult because my husband took care of me, fincially and I have had to grow in my effort to provide for myself. It is a very healthy change for me to have left him.

  5. 06hiqrkivgweu

    Wow! That is profound. And extremely helpful.

  6. Liza26

    I. too, am struggling as I was married almost 33 years. I realized about year 20 that he was really into pornography when I found Barely Legal and Eighteen magazines. At that time he was a high school guidance counselor which made me sick. I tried so hard to get him to go with me for counseling and he always refused. Before the guidance counselor, he was a Director of a Mental Health Center. He moved out of our home 3 months ago due to a boundary I set. More about that later. Some days all I want to do his cry. I feel so very stupid for not recognizing how fast his addiction progressed this year. Hugs and good thoughts to all of you. I have to say fear and sadness are overwhelming. I feel so so stupid.

  7. Trixiebelle

    I have the same Tee shirt!!!! For me it is two steps forward one back! Stay on this amazing blog! Time is helping and I wish God Speed for you!

  8. Kristina

    Hi! My story is so similar…..husband who has done this to me for 13 years, but also a very mean, gaslighting narcassist ,who has come home smelling like condoms and women…. I have placed a GPS on his car, and guess where I caught him!! Yes! But, he “went in , but left”. He is also on viagra pills, but has me believing that he is not and he is just “lucky” that he grew 2 inches, at 62 years old…… he has also become abusive , and truly makes me cringe.
    I’m so destroyed! I’ve been on meds for 4 years, just got off of them, because it did not help. To him, my meds made me “crazy”.

    I have kicked him out, but he pretends that it is all fine, and he is just giving me a break……
    Every city we have been in, he has gone to the paid ladies, and over a thousand dollars went missing in Budapest. A city FULL of them, on every block, there was a Thai massage. When I mentioned the money, once again , I’m crazy and did not see any money… refuses to admit to anything!!!!
    Please help me!
    Please! Thank you!
    Crying sad lady in Canada

  9. Kristina

    Thank you for all the ladies who have posted here.
    Really lets me know that I’m not alone!
    We are not alone!
    Thank you for sharing your stories

  10. JBlue

    These stories are so sad and horrible but they help me realize I’m not alone. Thanks for sharing .

  11. Tracy

    I’m the original writer of this post. I am still with him for our children’s sake, but still very depressed. Has anyone come out the other side? I’ve been on dating sites hoping to find someone to show me what real love is and whisk me away from this nightmare. He caught me. I’m now called slag, fat bastard, dirty bitch, ugly, bald, crow, prick and dickhead. I’m trying to get legal aid and have discovered that the 3 properties we own are only having interest only paid off on the mortgage! Any advice please?

  12. JoAnn Russell, RN, MS

    What good do you think you are doing your children by staying in a toxic relationship for your children’s sake? Children feel and are harmed by living with the stresses of a broken relationship. Many children do just fine when their parents divorce. Is it ideal? NO. But it is better than what you and they are living right now.

    If your husband is paying interest only on your properties it’s time for you to get the advice of a good attorney or accountant. Your husband is taking you down into a financial black hole and you need to take control now or you and your children will wind up with nothing, or worse, deeply in debt.

    What are you thinking–going on dating sites? You need to take care of the issues with your relationship, your children and yourself before focusing on any new relationship. Dating sites will not find your true love, you are not ready for a relationship until you have worked through your issues, are comfortable and confident with yourself and you are a supportive mother who puts the needs of herself and her children above a selfish man or some new relationship. You are more likely to find another loser on dating sites than you are to find a Prince Charming. Those sites are sex addict magnets. I would advise you to stay away from them.

    Take some time to really decide what your options are. You will probably have to support yourself and your children, with some child support from your husband. What will it take to do that? Do you need more education? An update on your skills? That’s where you start.

    Take a realistic look at your situation and start making choices that will secure a stable future for you and your children and get legal advice about what your husband’s responsibilities and obligations are and what your financial picture looks like. If you don’t do it now the situation will only get worse. Sending you strength and courage for your difficult journey. ~ JoAnn

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