Written by Are you in the throes of helping your spouse or boyfriend with his sex addiction recovery? Most of us try, but end up failing miserably because we enable the sex addict rather than supporting him. And no, I am not saying that it’s your fault if he fails–that is totally on him. Here are some ways to avoid the pitfalls while finding our way along a very difficult journey.
So, how do you know if you are enabling your sex addict rather than supporting him?
When partners are faced with the reality that our husbands/partners have been leading a double life and lying and cheating to us, a period of stress induced trauma clouds our brains and turns our world into an upside down chaotic mess. During that period of time we literally cannot think straight due to the stress hormones that are flooding our bodies.
As time goes on, and the amount of time varies greatly among partners, we do what all normal humans do, we problem solve. We think, we research, we read everything and anything about sex addiction. Maybe we cry or rant, sometimes we are just numb. But most of us roll up our sleeves and try to figure out how to fix things…or wonder if things can be fixed at all.
But, the bottom line is that we are in a relationship with someone we love, and most of us try to find the best way to save the relationship. Usually this involves a period of time when the sex addict makes an attempt at recovery, and we may feel the need to support that effort. Unfortunately there is no road map for us, so we do our best with what we have. Therapists and sex addiction programs often give only lip service to the partners, but frequently their advice turns us into enablers.
Here are some of the traps we can fall into while trying to support the sex addict’s recovery.
- Making Excuses
- Telling Lies
- Doing the Heavy Lifting
- Not Setting Boundaries
- Failing to Allow Consequences
- Sacrificing Our Own Needs
- Blind Trust
Let’s take these one at a time.
Making Excuses.
He had a bad childhood. He’s going through some rough times. He just lost his job. It’s just a midlife crisis. I haven’t been supportive enough. He needs a better sex addiction program. And on and on and on. Sorry buddy, but there are no excuses for putting your family and wife/partner physically, emotionally, and financially at risk. Sex addicts notoriously have poor coping skills so rather than facing the problem the way any normal person would, they resort to self soothing sexual outlets. There is no excuse for their behaviors.
Telling Lies.
I am not endorsing airing all of the dirty laundry to the entire world, but covering up for your intimate partners behaviors to close family and friends will only come back to hurt you. If you tell everyone what a great father and husband he is, you will be blamed if you separate or divorce him. They will legitimately question why you are leaving such a great husband/father. Close family deserve the truth and lying to your children will only teach them to lie to you.
Doing the Heavy Lifting.
Are you researching, calling and setting up counseling appointments? Do you remind the sex addict to go to his meetings? Are you monitoring his progress? Buying him all those self help books? STOP! If he is truly in recovery he will take responsibility to do everything and anything for as long as it takes to make amends.
Not Setting Boundaries.
Boundaries are a necessity of life. No, I’m not talking about rules, or control. Boundaries are what you, the partner, will or will not accept in a relationship. Just because your world collapsed around you does not mean that suddenly you accept the unacceptable. If you said, ‘I do’ with ethical standards, values and expectations of fidelity, then you are still that same person with those same values. If, when you entered into the relationship, you would not accept the sexual shenanigans that your husband/partner has been engaged in, then you should not accept them now. He must stop all of it. Period!
Failing to Allow Consequences.
Boundaries must have consequences or they are not boundaries. If you say, ‘I will not accept infidelity in my relationship’ then there must be a consequence if infidelity does occur. Just remember, if you set a consequence that you won’t enforce, then you have just given the green light for him to ignore your boundary. Failing to allow the sex addict to experience consequences for their choices is called enabling.
Sacrificing Our Own Needs.
Some partners have the misguided belief that their sacrifices and unconditional love will somehow make the sex addict realize how much they love him and that he will miraculously change. Sorry, but that only happens in Romance Novels. The definition of sacrifice is the destruction or surrender of something for the sake of something else. Giving up who you are and what you stand for not only harms you, it does nothing positive for the sex addict. A healthy relationship is built on mutuality and trust.
Blind Trust.
Trust is the foundation of love. Trust makes us feel safe, we know our partner has our back and will be there when we need them. The mantra of the sex addiction programs is that we need to trust the sex addict. We need to believe them, not question them as that may make them feel shame (thus reverting to their default coping mechanisms of acting out). We are told to be intimate with them, even though that may endanger our physical and mental health. Trust must be earned and after the type of betrayal partners of sex addicts have experienced, that trust will take a long, long time to be restored. Expecting a partner to trust before she feels safe and that trust has been earned is another traumatic betrayal. And, when that trust is broken (most sex addiction programs tell the partner to expect ‘slips’ in the recovery), the trauma is devastating. Eventually you may learn to trust, but you should always verify.