Written by It is time to publicly rate your therapist.
Somehow, some way the ‘do no harm’ philosophy has been lost on CSATs and therapists who counsel sex addicts and their partners. I hear story after story after story of blame shifting, name calling and outright deception and lying about the therapists undisclosed addictions. It is time to expose these charlatans and hold them accountable.
Partners are encouraged to accept the sex addict’s bad behaviors and slips, engage in sexual activity without addressing the physical and emotional risks and to refrain from voicing their despair, trauma and anger by calling it ‘shaming’ the addict, thus causing them to act out again.
Partners are admonished if we refuse to accept part of the blame for the secret life that these men lead and we are told that we need to make amends and literally morph into a Stepford type personality to accomodate the addict’s special needs.
In essence we are shamed for our normal, healthy emotions and responses while the addict is allowed to express his with abandon.
This is the 12 step model. This is the treatment modalities that profess to address the ‘Trauma Model’ but do so in name only in order to attract more partners into treatment.
This has to stop!
The Sisterhood, along with the Married To A Sex Addict site will now name names and post reviews of therapists and programs that offer treatment for sex addicts and their partners.
Post your comments below. Please give the therapist’s name and city and any other details you would like to your comment and share your experiences and details.
This will be open to the public so if you wish to remain anonymous please register with a user name that will not be identifiable. If you are not sure how to do that just contact me at JoAnn@sisterhoodofsupport.org ~ JoAnn
Cheryl Vance, (LMFT), Indianapolis, IN
Nice lady, but she had no clue about the trauma I was dealing with. I met with her about 3 weeks post D-day and I was an emotional wreck. She pressed me to assess if I was homicidal because I felt angry about what my husband had done to me, my neighbor and my marriage. I did not appreciate that at all. Who wouldn’t be angry after D-day? Next, she suggested I focus on my work more…and less on my recovery (researching, learning to apply self care etc.). She said that earning money makes us feel empowered. Indeed it does….but not when you can barely get out of bed and brush your teeth. She missed the boat on how badly my SAH’s behavior traumatized me.
Candace Risen, LISW, Beachwood, OH THUMBS DOWN My SAH started “therapy” with her in July, 2015, and six months later he was done with the marriage. She had him buy Carnes’ books; she didn’t think I should be informed of when he saw her; she thinks it’s “erroneous on the part of the partner” to think that disclosure will bring any measure of relief; she doesn’t believe in the efficacy of polygraphs. Need I say more? She’s a Carnes’ groupie.
Delyse Ledgard, Vancouver BC. Thumbs down. In a 20 minute introductory session, when asked how she treats partners of sex addicts, she immediately stated she does not believe in sex addiction, that the affairs and infidelities are a relational problem. I addressed this in a follow-up email, and she stated I’d misunderstood. Hardly. She does trauma counselling, but I wonder how effective it would be in an environment where I felt she considered me to be part of his problem, and where I felt her focus was on the SA. I suspect there was some gas lighting.
Laurie Kennedy “Very Nice woman” Incapable of helping anyone in this place. She knew me for 5 years, knew nothing about porn and would not educate herself on it. I asked her 3 times and went to therapy and said. “Have you read about it?” Each time she said no.I told her how shamed and angry I am. She said the standard, “it is not about you”.Try not to shame him.
After I called her I left her a message that I was not coming back because she did not educate herself about the issue and her training did not carry over. She called me back and said “She could “sense” that we were changing paths. I called her back and said, no I left because you would not learn about this topic. I experience indicated she was not keeping up with the area and should not ever counsel anyone with this. I found her distant and dismissive about my needs.
Jeff Schultz, C-SAT, sex addict – Phoenix, AZ Horrible!!
At one point I saw Sarah Ullman. My experience with her was horrendous. She said she was educated in the trauma model. She saw my husband, and told him (without telling me) that I was personality disordered. She encouraged him to keep all his activities secret from me, as my “controlling behaviour” was driving his sex addiction. She felt that it was ok for him to watch programming with nudity and sexual content. She is a great enabler of the addict and very supportive of narcissistic abuse. I only saw her two or three times but the damage was done. She encouraged him to set up private email accounts and not be transparent with me. When I confronted her on this she became extremely hostile. She was always late for appointments and I would describe her behaviour as rude and aggressive. When I looked up her credentials in the state of PA she is not listed as a psychologist, she is listed as a social worker. She is not forthright with her credentials, but makes a lot of claims. Beware. Just run away from this person. When my husband has sessions with her he is inflated and even more entitled that usual. She is in the 1950’s co-addict model and has no interest in a process of healing.
Debbie Daniel, Midlothian, VA: BIG thumbs UP. Debbie sees victims of addiction, understands trauma, is so supportive and loving, welcomes those calls/emails in the middle of the night and weekends, led me from the brink more times than i want to think about. Former nurse. Because she has been doing this so long, she “recognized” the SAH at once from my descriptions, since, basically, an addicted abuser is an addicted abuser, regardless of his substances of choice. Kind, funny, gentle, very direct. I am so glad I found her!!
Desert Solace, St. George UT
Residential SA treatment center, run by a “former” SA and his “happy happy wife”.
Sent my SA husband here after discovery. He was there for 90 days. They did, as long as he let them communicate with me, identify that he was a sex addict with a coaddiction to alcohol, which was a surprise and denied by SA. His therapist, who was also a “former” SA, was very supportive of me, VERY supportive of me in frequent telephone conferences, and in telephone conferences with the SA, held him to the truth. Offered little hope of recovery, which was helpful. Until SA figured out I was getting too much information and withdrew HIPPA permission for them to talk to me.
Unfortunately, this forum offered the SA narcissist much room to feed his supply, and he was really happy there. There were also some really bad players there as well, sorry, group, who I would consider perverts, not SA’s, who apparently gave my SA all sorts of new thoughts on ways to enhance his addiction.
SA came home much worse than when he went, or maybe just more honest than when he went in.
We are divorcing.
I would say, don’t send your SA here if he is on the “light” side of SA, is easily influenced. I did like SA’s therapist alot.
Nan Long, Leesburg, VA, THUMBS DOWN. CSAT…Husband’s therapist after coming out of the asylum called DESERT SOLACE (Terrible terrible). Is a member of all the “partner support “groups. The things she told my SA were so “co addict” theory as to be 1950’s. “Walk her own side of recovery”, “She’s trying to take over your recovery”, “You need privacy to heal”, “12 step all the way”, along with what I thought was inappropriate behavior, calling SA day and night, all the time on his cell, of course these calls were “private”. When SA came home from his sessions, he was almost dangerous, in fact, several nights I spent outside on the picnic table after his sessions with this nutcase in fear of my life. That is the kind of therapy he was getting. Did he ever ever get better. NO. He got WORSE. She encouraged masterbation, she encouraged, are you ready, daily Cialys, she encouraged him to treat me with less respect than he had, which seems impossible. It was a big time money racket, too, always encouraging classes, etc. NO NO NO. Stay away from this group, who really advertises as a Partner of SA therapy group….HA.
Barbara Macleod Scranton Pa. Thumbs down 100% twelve stepper. Will tell you you are addicted to him. Will want you to own your side of the street. She thinks everyone is an addict of some kind. She is recovering alcoholic drug addict and ‘love and romance’ addict whatever that means
Jennifer Weeks Bethlehem Pa thumbs down. Another 12 stepper. Runs a group for sex offenders. Claims most of them are able to stay in their marriages. Was able to be snowed by SAs bullshit take on the marriage. Has been instrumental in keeping him sick
This review was sent to me and I promised to keep the author anonymous:
Thumbs down: Sandy Weiser MSW, CSAT Valencia Ca.
Do not Recommend!! This therapist was Ok at first and gave me a few good ideas about boundaries with regard to my Sex Addict husband. She did disclose that she is in “Recovery” but it never occurred to me to ask what she is in recovery from. After about 8 sessions she turned hostile, said I “emasculated” her and further traumatized me. I was in a very fragile state, and during one session she mocked my safety seeking behaviors and was inappropriately confrontational.
I suffered a case of Therapist Induced Trauma which exacerbated my PTSD and naturally I never went back.
Still traumatized,
Santa Clarita, CA
Genesis Counseling Service | Caring • Committed • Christian
http://www.genesiscounseling.net/———————————————–Big Fail, waste of money and time
Journey to Healing & Joy / Circle of Joy – Marsha Means
Your Sexually Addicted Spouse – Barbara Steffans
They offered Group Coaching – (phone conference) working through the workbook for 12 weeks. I was with a coach named Kristie Farnworth. I was by far the most traumatized from a 30 year marriage to SA. The whole idea was to save your marriage —I figured this out about half way through the program At the end of the 12 weeks we were all on the phone (3 other ladies – conference call) and Kristie wanted feedback now that it was over. I said i had decided to leave my marriage, her comment was “Im sorry that you are GIVING UP”. WASTE OF MONEY AND TIME.
OMG – I need therapy from the therapist……
And forget about all the Christian pastors I went to…..Forgive, Don’t be Angry (God hates Anger) He ALSO Hates Divorce. Everyone put all the work and more trauma onto ME while SA sat there taking no responsibility. CRAZY spouse that I am.
Divorce Minister.com is awesome and it was reading his blog that helped me the most as I made the decision to leave this disordered man. I am NOT CO-DEPENDANT…..screaming this as loud as i can.
In order of appearance:
Mark Laing, Bayridge Family Centre, Burlington, ON
Huge thumbs down. Being charitable, I think he is just severely underqualified to provide therapy to *anyone*, much less the disordered fuck-up of my ex-husband. He couldn’t quite verbally commit to either the co-dependency model or the trauma model, although his take-it-all-in-stride demeanor showed a gross lack of understanding of the traumatic nature of what was being done to me. He believes spouses shouldn’t get angry about the betrayals because then the SA won’t be honest. The real winning comment from Mark was, after I told him that I had just discovered the SA had sex with our dog, he asked the SA if he felt this would be less shameful for the SA if the dog was female. I’m not shitting you. The SA’s treatment from Mark ended with Mark calling the SA out as a personality disordered liar and telling me to run. Which is all true and good advice, but I believe it was motivated by Mark’s upset at being lied to by the SA and the SA not improving with Mark’s treatment; It had nothing to do with me or my pain or experience, because my trauma had been very tolerated up until Mark decided he had had enough.
Paul Ricketts, CSAT, Hamilton, ON – Thumbs down. Paul will give lip service to the partner trauma, but doesn’t seem particularly concerned about it. He told me during our first meeting that, “His sexual behaviour is all on him, but all the other issues in the relationship are shared responsibility”. To which I responded, “Our other issues are that he refuses to work, won’t help around the house, and is verbally abusive. How is that on me?” But that didn’t sway him. It is disturbing that Paul advertises himself as specializing in abusive males since he doesn’t seem to have a clue about the dynamics of abusive relationships. Abuse doesn’t happen in a vacuum, where the abusive behaviour can be cordoned off and the rest of the relationship functions normally. Paul also recommends really horrible books about co-dependency and pushes S-Anon. However, he isn’t transparent about what the group is – he tries to get the partner to attend “a support group for women” without disclosing that it is a 12 step group which pushes the codependent model after I specifically told him I rejected the codependency model. Because what I needed never mattered.
Dr. Jennifer Barbera, C.Psych, Hamilton, ON – THUMBS UP!!! I saw Jennifer on my own when I was in a really bad place. She does not specialize in “sex addiction” – She has experience in domestic abuse and PTSD. Not once was I told any of what happened to me was my fault – she recognized what happened to me as abuse. She showed true concern for my trauma. She also saw me as a whole person and not just a “partner”. Compared to other psychologists, her rate is also very reasonable. I felt very safe with Jennifer and wouldn’t hesitate to recommend her to other partners.
i take it back. After reading many of the experiences described on SoS, I am no longer on the fence. I would fully endorse Erin Grupp (Tampa), and I thank my lucky stars I found her instead of one of the yahoo therapists you all are describing… yeah, she still comes from CSAT and can be too gentle (IMO) with our dear, fragile SA, but she would support me up, down, backwards and forwards and would NEVER suggest some of the crazy ass stuff some of these SABT’s (shout out to Liza for coining the term) have done! I may still be delusional about my marriage’s future, and she may be enabling my delusion, but thank god i haven’t had to listen to some of the BS and down right scary and dangerous crap that other’s have written about.
Mark McDonald – Huge thumbs down. I met the man only once, after I had kicked my husband out and filed for divorce. He said he was a “straight shooter” and that he suspected my husband had a personality disorder. At the time he had a signed release for me and refused any subsequent requests for information. He definitely buys into the idea that SA’s can’t be held accountable for their actions because it is inherently too shaming. He encourages my husband “to limit set” by refusing to communicate in the face of any discussion with my daughters or myself around the consequences of his on-going addiction. Everything no matter true or not is too shaming. He appears to enable my husbands consistent relational violence and adds a dose of Christianity. My husband says he’s a recovered SA. No license in sex addiction. My husband has had no sobriety during treatment with this man yet the treatment plan appears to stay the same. He has an pronounced lack of empathy for partners and their children judging from his actions.
Barbara Getz Sleepy Hollow IL- Lots of conflicted feelings here. I would say thumbs down for sex addicts and couples attempting to deal with this issues. She doesn’t have the infastructure in place to support partners or keep them safe. She doesn’t have the testing and treatment protocol in place to accurately diagnose or treat sex addicts. No polygraphs, no psych testing, no discussion of gaslighting, manipulation, no disclosure process. She made many tactical errors such as believing in my husbands history was accurate and recovery real without verifying anything. She encouraged “sensate therapy” (with my consent) and attempted to make me responsible for my lack of trust and ability to orgasm with my SA. She unintentionally gave my husband a platform to continue his abuse. Having said that she is a gifted therapist, kind warm person, who I do not believe meant any harm. I often wonder what she thinks today, but I will never know because now the three years of fake therapy is off limits because she is not our therapist anymore. Once I learned my husbands sexual acting out was endangering my life I fired her. I feel in my gut she was as surprised as I was by the depth of the manipulation and deception.
Elaine Link Lisle IL – Thumbs down. She saw my husband as his therapist for the three years he lied about his recovery. She worked with our couples therapist. I only met with her directly once. I hysterically cried about the possibility that he was oggling a neighbors breast implants two weeks after discovery and was branded “judgmental.” She also blame shifted and chose to focus on my verbal abuse after D-Day. I do think she was smart, her heart in the right place, and even attempted to call my husband on some of his stuff but she was clearly outsmarted. He fooled everyone.
Erin Grupp, Tampa FL. I have mixed feelings. She’s smart, and while her basis is in the traditional co-dependency, 12 step model, she’s not wed to it, and recognizes the trauma model and treats spouses with respect. My husband sees her 1 on 1, and we also do couples sessions with her– weekly. My main concern: I fear (and have some experience that my fears are founded) that when my husband meets with her1 on 1, he is able to gaslight and manipulate (passive blaming, saying what she wants to hear), and she doesn’t press or call him out on his bullshit- and I suspect that she bought into some of his spin for a while. When we have a couples session, I call this stuff out, and she is supportive and helps me to hold him accountable. I just don’t think she is doing this when I’m not present. She is also very focused on improving communication (the drama triangle, non violent communication), but I don’t see as much focus on the underlying problems that lead to our communication challenges (e.g., his emotional manipulation, intimacy anorexia, and lying).
Rob Baker – Bellevue, WA. HUGE thumbs down…because one should never look for help from the spawn of Satan. Actually, he is the worst kind of CSAT – a “recovered” SA who still basks in the misogyny of the co-addict model. He actively belittled me, in front of other therapists and my SA husband. Once, he yelled at me in a joint session and my husband said it was the most enlightening moment of his entire year plus working with Rob, because it was like looking in a mirror. “So that’s what I look like when I treat Autumn that way.” My husband overall became a much sicker and more emotionally abusive addict because of Ron’s influence.
Jim Goldstein, Hamilton NY. Thumbs down. Maybe he was in over his head, but SA mowed over him like it was nobody’s business. Dragged me into HIS therapy, blame shifted. You name it. Still can’t even think of those days 5 years ago.
On a good note: Joanna Rigoli, New Hartford, NY…awesome find for ME a year ago. Two big thumbs up!! The good ones are out there; it’s the search that sucks. Hopefully this posting from all of us helps!
Amy Hansen- Agape Counseling- CSAT- Peoria, IL. She is worthless from a partner perspective. I think my SA loves her cause she is ease and passive and tells him what he wants to hear. She also makes put down comments about me not being ready to hear his truths. PLEASE. I wouldn’t send my dog to her to change its behavior let alone my SAH!!!
Dr. Elizabeth O’Donnell, Westlake, OH HUGE THUMBS UP!
I was fortunate enough to get a referral from Dr. Minwalla. If anyone else lives in the Cleveland area, please contact Dr. Elizabeth O’Donnell of Westlake, OH. She’s amazing and has helped me in every session. She gets it–she understands the partner’s pain and the impact from years of the devious, abusive behavior of the SA.
George Collins – HUGE THUMBS DOWN!
Author of Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame
Flaming sex addict/narcissist now making $$$ proclaiming he has the cure. My SAH had some session with him. I got involved in a conference call in which he yelled at me, called me nasty names and then tried to push me off on one of his associates. He couldn’t say a sentence without proclaiming the was the author of the “best selling book on sex addiction.”
Trish Haight Los Angeles Excellent
Bill Herring, Atlanta Ga: big fat thumbs down. He straddles the fence, playing lip service to the trauma model but calling women who adhere to that model and deny codependency entirely “empowered victims.”
He is a sex addict himself and has no business treating partners. He is the quintessential SA: presents as a really nice guy, does all he can to earn your trust. Then, if you show any real emotion, he gets that deer-in-headlights look and asks you not to “shame the addict.” I never felt like a priority and never felt I was heard. The whole experience added trauma upon trauma.