Written by It is time to publicly rate your therapist.
Somehow, some way the ‘do no harm’ philosophy has been lost on CSATs and therapists who counsel sex addicts and their partners. I hear story after story after story of blame shifting, name calling and outright deception and lying about the therapists undisclosed addictions. It is time to expose these charlatans and hold them accountable.
Partners are encouraged to accept the sex addict’s bad behaviors and slips, engage in sexual activity without addressing the physical and emotional risks and to refrain from voicing their despair, trauma and anger by calling it ‘shaming’ the addict, thus causing them to act out again.
Partners are admonished if we refuse to accept part of the blame for the secret life that these men lead and we are told that we need to make amends and literally morph into a Stepford type personality to accomodate the addict’s special needs.
In essence we are shamed for our normal, healthy emotions and responses while the addict is allowed to express his with abandon.
This is the 12 step model. This is the treatment modalities that profess to address the ‘Trauma Model’ but do so in name only in order to attract more partners into treatment.
This has to stop!
The Sisterhood, along with the Married To A Sex Addict site will now name names and post reviews of therapists and programs that offer treatment for sex addicts and their partners.
Post your comments below. Please give the therapist’s name and city and any other details you would like to your comment and share your experiences and details.
This will be open to the public so if you wish to remain anonymous please register with a user name that will not be identifiable. If you are not sure how to do that just contact me at JoAnn@sisterhoodofsupport.org ~ JoAnn
SHEEZA MOHSIN – Flower Mound, TX – NO
GRETCHEN HENTSCH COWLES – Flower Mound, TX & Dallas, TX – NO
Lynn Woodard – Formerly Hopemead in Flower Mound, TX, now at Highand Village Counseling – NO
Hopemead Counseling and Trauma Center – The worst team of “professionals” I have ever dealt with. Absolute garbage.
Carol Miller – Jacksonville FL
HUGE THUMBS UP!! Carol is a trauma specialist who understands personality disorders and, while not specifically trained in sex addiction, she helped me immensely with the aftermath of marriage to a sex addict. As I worked with her, my nightmares, anxiety, tearfulness, anger, etc slowly melted away. I still occasionally have flashbacks, but Carol gave me the tools to help myself. She never labeled me in any way. Carol was a lifesaver to me.
Has anyone had any experience with Banyan therapy in CA? or seen Julia Alperovich there?
Doug Weiss. HORRIBLE!!
1. When i stated that i was so devastated that i did not want to have sex with my husband, he told me that if i didn’t have sex with my husband that i would lose him( I guess non emotional and objectifying sex is ok with him)
2. Told my husband that i would not leave him because i would not give up my “life style”.
3. When i told him that my physician husband continuing to touch and exam fully naked women triggered me, he stated ” then just don’t be in the room when he does that! ( as if that makes it ok).
4 When i suggested my husband gave up doing procedures that involved him staring and touch fully naked women all day long, he stated ” You can’t ask him to change his career, its like asking him to change his eye color!). What? We are born with our eye color, however, we are not born with our careers! We can change our careers at any given time, but not our eye color! Besides, i wasn’t asking him to change his career, i was asking him to not do procedures with triggered me and my husband! As if its ok for an alcoholic to work as a bartender!!!
5. Told me that i suffered from intimacy anorexia not reactive intimacy anorexia, but full blown intimacy anorexia because i did not want to have objectifying sex with my husband after i found out that he had unprotected sex with over 1500 different prostitutes, my sister, his patients, gym members, nurses, cleaning crew, drug reps etc….and did nothing to rectify the marriage and continued to lie lie and lie. Really?
Beth Leedham, Ph.D., Encino, CA – huge thumbs down. She is a certified sex therapist who specializes in couples therapy and is the president of the LA Country Psychological Assoc. 1 month into the trauma we went to her. She had us write a list of our grievances during our marriage and hit me with my husband’s (sex addict’s) list first. He was upset that I stopped going to church with him – ironic as that is. 2 months into my trauma she confronted me with this and that I didn’t help him with his business enough (I also have my own business). She actually privately emailed him and said “Perhaps your resentment over these issues helped fuel the decisions you made around sex”. She and my husband were emailing each other privately the whole time which felt like another huge betrayal when I found out.
I felt compelled to leave a comment here after reading the negative review of Bill Herring (the first comment posted below at the bottom) simply because my experience with him was so different. I didn’t know that Herring was a sex addict himself (I’m not sure if that’s true but I guess it could be) and I think I’m glad I didn’t know at the time of receiving therapy from him. I’m pretty sure it would have seriously got in the way for me because, in our fragile state, it’s not difficult to see SAs as the enemy (I don’t suspect that’s just me). I don’t believe he actively concealed that information from me; rather I never asked him outright. I did, at some point, ask him how he came to specialize in this field (to be honest, that question was partially motivated by curiosity about whether he was a recovering SA himself or even the partner of a SA, just because I suspect that many people who specialize in this have personal experience with it) and he didn’t volunteer the information. I’m not convinced, however, that if he is a SA, that he was being deceptive or negligent in not revealing that information. Had I asked him outright and he refuted it (if he is in fact a SA) that would definitely be a problem for me. But knowing that probably would have got in the way for me to benefit from therapy with him (which I did benefit from). I’m also familiar with the therapeutic stance against therapist self-disclosure and I understand how that is useful (for the most part). I also think that a therapist should be able to be a good and effective therapist regardless of their own personal history, i.e., whether or not they’ve had firsthand experience with whatever issue they’re treating a client/patient for. And part of the training and expertise of therapists is being able to self-reflect about their own issues of transference and how their own personal histories may be interfering with the therapeutic process. So, I’m not really sure where I stand on this issue. I can certainly understand partners of sex addicts having strong objections to working with a therapist who is also a SA (in recovery, I would hope! I’m certainly not endorsing any therapist who would work with patients while in active addiction, oh hell no!). I also would object to any therapist who deliberately concealed that information from a patient.
I, however, had a really positive experience working with Bill. I found him to be extremely empathic and validating of the trauma I had experienced. He was also able to help me gain a lot of really useful insight that helped me in my healing journey, he provided a great sounding board to help me process stuff I was going through (both related to my husband and just dealing with the emotional wreck that I was and the train wreck that my life had become), and offered me some great perspectives and ways of looking at things, tools that I continue to use to this day. He also was very forthright in condemning my husband’s behaviors in many ways. As us partners know, it’s not only the sexual acting out that hurts us so deeply, it’s all the accompanying behaviors such as lying, gaslighting, minimizing, refusing to own their part in destroying our relationships, deflecting blame, etc that are equally hurtful. Bill would often point out to me behaviors that my husband was doing of that sort as completely not okay which is exactly what I needed to hear to validate my own feelings and to counter some of the crazy that our husbands subject us to. I felt strengthened and deeply supported and affirmed by Bill. I stopped seeing him because I put my recovery on hold due to time issues and money concerns (stupid, I know and I recognize that I still have a long way to go to heal from this), but I wouldn’t hesitate to seek out Bill again for support. I found him extremely well versed in the trauma model for partners of sex addicts. At no time did he speak of coaddiction or codependency or make me feel in any way blamed or responsible for my husband’s shocking behavior. He would (gently, respectfully, and helpfully!) call me on my shit when I would engage in ways of thinking that were really not helpful, which any good therapist should do (they’re not going to be of much use if they just affirm any stuff you’re doing that is really not helping). But this didn’t happen often. Probably because I have very little shit to be called on (haha! I’m kidding – how I wish that were true!) To provide balanced feedback, I didn’t find him particularly useful when I brought up a different issue not related to my SA husband: I spoke about my negligent/narcissistic mother and I don’t feel he really got how abusive, destructive, and damaging that kind of parenting can be. But, to be honest, I don’t really blame him for that. Perhaps I didn’t provide him with enough background information to convey how unbelievably dysfunctional she is so he figured it was just regular run of the mill mother-daughter issues. And, to be fair, he did express strong objection to some things I shared that my mother had done and really validated my feelings of hurt relative to them. Regarding other things related to my mother, however, I was left feeling that he was suggesting that I was reading into things too much and being overly judgmental of her. Which, who knows, he may have been right, but it did make me feel that he was minimizing the history of damage caused by her and how that makes me especially sensitive to feelings of slight. But again, to be fair, I don’t expect any therapist to be an expert at everything and this is an issue that is more complicated and nuanced than your regular mother-daughter issues (just as supporting the partner of a SA is a whole different kettle of fish than supporting a regular—although admittedly also devastating—case of infidelity that most couples’ therapists are well versed in treating). I also don’t expect therapists to be perfect in every way and to always get everything right, so I really can’t fault Bill for this. Especially as he advertises himself as specializing in supporting partners of SAs (amongst other things I think) and for this I found him to be fantastic. I had actually had a couple of sessions previously with Barbara Steffens about which I hesitate to share because I didn’t find her great. I cannot rave enough about how deeply grateful I am to her for her book and for championing the trauma perspective (deep humble bow) but I didn’t love the sessions I had with her. I experienced her as somewhat cold, distant, and removed, I just didn’t feel a warmth or rapport, or that I was being held in a space of unconditional support and nonjudgment (the kind you might expect from another woman who has experienced this firsthand) which was what I needed at that time. (I feel like I should be condemned to death for daring to speak in anything less than glowing terms about Dr Steffens – egad! But, again, I can’t praise her highly enough for her contribution towards refuting the coaddiction model and forwarding the trauma perspective instead. My sessions with her were also at an earlier time in my recovery when I was an absolute basket case so it may have also been a matter of timing.) I found Bill, however, far far more helpful at providing the connection, validation and affirmation I so sorely needed.
I’m sorry to hear that wasn’t march’s experience (who posted below) and it breaks my heart every time I hear about someone seeking treatment for this and not getting the support they need or, worse, being blamed or having their experience minimized. That wasn’t my experience with Bill and it was, for me at least, really really great. But, then again, what would I know about anyone anymore haha! After being so convincingly duped by my SA husband, I still find it difficult to trust anyone and I never know anymore if a person is being genuine or I’m just being conned Clearly, I still have a long way to go to being fully healed from this awful experience. I look forward to committing myself fully to properly healing from this very soon. And, certainly from my experience with Bill, I won’t hesitate to seek him out again.
(Sorry for the essay!!!)
Wow,
There’s a lot of misled or plain uneducated therapists out there.doing more harm than good. We used Ted Roberts program “pure desire” had some interesting information on how our brains work and for the SA the paths it takes or believed the term was “hijacked” gave some hope of SA being treatable, going through ” the 7 pillars”. But after going through program 3 separate times, He could not overcome the addiction, so when “personality disorder” term popped up on your site, it was something to ponder about. They also have support for. Partners, using”betrayal and beyond book”.
Didn’t neccesarily agree with much.but the one nice thing was being in a group with other womenpredicamateepredicamate.
!!THUMBS DOWN!!
https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_detail.php?profid=203322&ref=4&sid=1486760895.9628_7730&city=Midland&county=Midland&state=TX&tr=ResultsName
Patrick Ramsey
He is listed as MC with experience in Sexual Addiction. However, this expert shamed me on more than one occasion because I felt porn use and masturbation was eroding my marriage and “our” sex life.
The man told us both that masturbation was perfectly normal and I needed to take care of my own side of the street. In other words, this expert had no clue how porn use escalates and results in ED. Which my husband had/has.
I was told I need individual counseling to work on my own issues regarding sexuality and trust. Not because of anything my husband had or hadn’t done. Why then? According to Mr. Ramsey since I didn’t trust my husband this was the real issue, not the SA. When I pointed out my husband had literally never even stopped dating after our marriage and had continued to look for sexual partners I was told it was none of my business who my husband slept with. The porn was called a non-issue as long as my husband felt he had it under control.
Uses Patrik Carnes books, workbook and a 12 step program. The wife is immediately labeled a co-addict and co-dependant. And pointed towards her own 12-step group and counselor. He doesn’t work with wives.
Thumbs down!
I agree. Very unprofessional.
The Blog page and those posts and comments are open to the public, as opposed to the forums, which are private and only visible to paid, current subscribed members. The public Blog is open for everyone to read and comment. I do moderate all comments and I often allow dissenting views or comments from CSATS or Sex Addiction therapists. There is no reason for you to feel unsafe as the forums are completely private. ~ JoAnn