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Why? A Partner Speaks On Sex Addiction


A Partner of a sex addict speaks on sex addiction and that age old question that Partners always ask.

Why?

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. The new sisters who have recently discovered their husband’s sex addiction always ask this question. Why? ‘Why?’ is the killer question. And I’ve looked everywhere for the answer. We laugh and joke and call them names–the sex addicts, and that’s all good, but really… Why?

Why does a man choose hookers over his family? Why didn’t we see this major flaw in our husbands? Why do we stay and have nervous breakdowns when we find out? Why do therapists push us towards acknowledging our part? Why are we triggered? Why can’t we just walk out the door and never look back? Why do we seek help for them? Why do they blame us? Why do our friends and family want us to just get over it? Why did this man who watched me deliver our daughter/son leave the hospital and seek out a prostitue? And the winner is “why can’t they be helped?”

Think back when you first got married (maybe before kids and mortgages). If someone had asked you the question “what would you do if he cheated on you?”, I bet that 99.9% of us would have answered without hesitation “I’d kill him then leave him”. And we would have answered that way because we never believed for one second that he would actually cheat! We did not marry men that we thought were cheaters. We married nice guys, successful guys, little league coach type guys, church member guys, community oriented guys, lovable/funny/smart guys. Sure they had faults and so did/do we but cheating with whores and strippers with family money was NOT one of the faults. Risking our health with unprotected sex was not one of the faults. Stopping on the way home for happy ending massages was not one of the faults…. That we knew about.

Then when we find out that our husband has a life long habit of banging hookers (strippers /whatever) and we get the “I’m a sex addict” line. I’m so sorry. I love you. You’re the only real thing in my life. I need help. I’ll spend the rest of my life making this up to you. I’ll change. I’ve found God (who knew that God was on Milk Cartons with a call this number if seen?). I was abused as a child. I was molested as a child. My dad was an alcoholic. I never felt good enough for you. I was adopted…. It goes on and on and on. Every reason in the book (and some not) as an excuse for banging hookers. And then, after they have read the Spark notes on one of Patrick Carnes’ stupid books (or worse talk to a CSAT), we get….Well you werent sexy enough. You were never satisfied, You didn’t clean the house. I never had a voice (what does even mean? We all heard their voice in our marriages over and over). You have to take some blame here too. You loaded the dishwasher wrong. You let the dog drink loudly from the water bowl. My shirts were on the hanger wrong. You made roast and I hate pot roast, You wouldn’t have anal sex. You always have to be right. Nobody can make you happy. You’re impossible.You never appreciated me. You spent money on curtains for the house. You bought the kids new clothes so I deserved that hooker. At least I didn’t go golfing every weekend, that’s a real expensive hobby. And on and on…until you finally get the big ones (this is when you know for a fact that they’re crazy) ”the sun came up and it’s hot outside ” yes, that’s your fault too. When they spiral into this then run, do not walk, run away.

Then while we are barely able to breathe,when the life has been sucked out of us, when the thought of brushing our teeth is impossible….. we are asked to help him. We are fired upon by the whole reconciliation/CSAT/Carnes industry. We are told to attend 12 step meetings at age 50 when we’ve never been addicted to anything. We are told to take anti depressants and Xanax (nothing wrong with that if you need them) when we’ve never needed meds before in our lives. We are forced to go disrobe and spread our legs and explain to our OB/GYN (that probably delivered our children) why we need a full STD panel. We are encouraged by our pastors to work things out..acting like our husbands just forgot to take out the garbage. We are told by our friends and some family that ”all men do it”. We are forced to learn words like ”slip” and ”relapse” and ”acting out” to replace ”he fucked hookers”. That’s a particular annoying thing. Two year olds ”act out”. Grown ass men fuck hookers. But I digress….We are told by marriage counsellors everywhere that we need to be more loving/forgiving/affectionate/ etc. we are told by CSATS to enforce a 90 day no sex plan. We are told to not be the marriage police and don’t interfere with his ”recovery” (there’s another doozy! Like he has cancer?). BUT if we don’t set up ”boundaries” and be a part of his ”recovery” (install Covenent Eyes, check in once a week to ask him about his progress), then we are enablers and codependent.

We are chastised and treated like children. We are talked down to and patronized. We have people like Milton Magness who sells expensive video tutorials and promises partners “healing in 30 weeks” and the videos say nothing except “stay on your side of the street and let him heal and go to COSA meetings”. We have other women in the CSAT proffession coddling our husbands and treating us like we are insane crazy bitches. Our own husbands believe this drivel and begin to blame us again. The same husbands that swore they would spend the rest of their lives making this up to us. And just wait till he attends his first few SA meetings. That’s a special treat. You get to hear all about how damaged they are and how all of this is his mother/father’s fault and then they start telling you (again) everything you’re doing wrong. If he happens to get a ”chip” for being ”sober” then God help you if you don’t celebrate. All the while you’re thinking ”I can’t even breathe. I can’t begin to know what I’m supposed to tell my children. I don’t even know the strange man that is living in my home”. That same man that promised to love , honor and protect you and also swore to do everything to make this right and keep you will now be replaced by a walking talking robot. He will speak in SA therapy speak and if you thought you were crazy because he banged hookers then just wait until you get the Carnes Clone treatment. The man that you have loved your entire life, the one that laid next to you on the couch and laughed at movies, the one that knows you don’t like butter on your popcorn, the one that had sex with you and whispered he loved you, the one that held your hand when your mother was sick, the one that leaves a nightlight on because you’re afraid of the dark, the one that you have a special language with that no one else knows, the one that knows you better than anyone will start talking in code that no one except CSATS and sex addicts can understand. He will trade his world of secret hookers for a life of a secret sex addict in ”recovery”. I honestly don’t know which is actually worse. I think after being through all of this I would choose the hookers as easier to deal with…

I took a little step yesterday and told one of my friends what my wonderful husband has been up to. She was shocked to say the least. And when I told her he claimed he was a sex addict, she said, “Isn’t that what they all just say?”.

And that’s where we get so sidetracked. She was exactly right. Sex addiction has become a catch all phrase for “cheater” or “psycho” or “bad husband”. When my husband said the words sex addict to me back in February of 2012, I didn’t have a clue how to respond. I thought I had just caught him cheating (like that isn’t bad enough). But oh hell no!! He wasn’t just a cheater. He was SICK. Why couldn’t I understand? He felt sooo much better now that it was out in the open. Blah blah blah blah … On and on and on. I did what everyone else does. I googled. One book from Patrick Carnes had me throwing my iPad against the garage wall. Then I found SOS.

I thank God (for real) every day for this site and especially for JoAnn. I learned there is no “why?”. I learned it wasn’t my fault. And I learned the hard way that these guys do not change. They are broken somewhere so badly that it cannot be fixed. Ever. It’s not about the sex. It’s about being a man that can lie and cheat and deceive for his whole life. He can google ”hooker” on BackPages while drunk and then say he’s ashamed. But he cannot google ”help” the next morning when sober? I wouldn’t buy that excuse from a 10 year old. If he’s smart enough to fool everyone in his life for 50 years then he’s smart enough to search for help before his wife and children and family and friends are hurt. Either google ”help” or get a divorce and give the mother of your children a chance at a life. Don’t steal her youth, her sex life, her femininity, her self worth, her ability to smile and then claim to love your children. Men that love their families run into burning buildings to save them. They do not decimate their children’s mother. Ever.

Pirate on sisters. This siloquoy is for Daisy girl today. I love you and you are so much more important than all of these fucked up guys put together. There isn’t one of them good enough to take out your trash. There is no ”why?”. It doesn’t matter why. It’s the truth. If you happen to be one of those partners that believe the ”I’ll spend the rest of my life making this up to you” crap then try divorcing one of them. Good luck with that. He will turn monster on you before you can say, ”let’s have an amicable divorce”.

So whatever any of you are planning (stay/go/murder) …. The murder part is a joke in case anyone is really considering this. They aren’t worth jail time……….let’s do it with the understanding that we will never understand them. And we are grateful that we don’t. The answer to ”why can’t they be helped?” Is that …. THEY ARE NOT NORMAL

5 Responses to Why? A Partner Speaks On Sex Addiction

  1. Profile gravatar of
    truth February 8, 2016 at 8:18 am #

    I finally filed for divorce after 2 1/2 years. He has blown away. cried, threw-up and said I was making a huge mistake and was going to hurt the family (kids). He has and will continue to torture me emotionally and spiritually but I can’t let that happen. He wants to move into the apartment I found, decorated so he can have his space. Too bad… that’s going to be a battle. He has the nerve to want to kick out my daughter who is currently living there. I told him he could move downstairs while we go through this divorce (which will undoubtedly take a while. I’m thinking 6 to 8 months. When I told him the longer the d process, the more expensive it’s going to be and he listened up on that one. When I told him I filed he left to stay with his sister and has been there for 3 weeks now. Thank God, I’m in the house now but that won’t last long. I saw him last night and he’s now placing blame for his actions on me. He told me not to say to him that he has a sickness – he’s telling me he’s better now. That is, after going to therapy once a week for one hour and reading “Awaking to Your Life’s Purpose,” and “Living in the Now” which he is suggesting I read. I cannot believe he is actually placing blame on me for his SA actions, which btw.. has been going on (he admitted) for our entire marriage of 29 1/2 years. I look at him and wonder how the hell I lived with this person and had 3 kids with this sick man. I do believe he is sick… do screw prosititutes and carry on when he had a beautiful wife and 3 lovely children. Feeling quite angry today and emotional. Time to work-out and take care of myself. Had to vent.. Thanks for the opportunity to speak the truth!

  2. Profile gravatar of freemenow
    freemenow January 26, 2016 at 2:16 am #

    powerfulul

  3. Profile gravatar of
    truth December 15, 2015 at 8:26 pm #

    Since you’re commenting that he is a changed man now that he found God are you regretting divorcing him OR perhaps he would never have found that route if you didn’t divorce him. I sense a little bit of remorse.

  4. Profile gravatar of
    sandymonica October 14, 2015 at 6:12 pm #

    Thank you for saying it all perfectly bluntly and just what is, is. I have had these exact feelings and pretty much same words about all his BS. I have read ALL the books and spent the last 2 years reinstating my own sanity. Waisted the last two years trying to underwstand the “WHY??” And you are absolutly right. There are deep rooted brain deficiencies and personality disorders to say the least. Now diagnosed. CD ADHD, & Narcissistic tendencies. Lastly, he just decided to lie & fuck strippers. Period.
    God help us. There is only one Only ONE hope for full recovery~ for me, and for him if he chooses. Only God can make something beautiful from these ashes. Only THE Creator of the universe GOD can fix this. If you don’t have God, there is no hope for rearranging & tranforming of his brain and his soul. All I have to believe in is my Faith in God. He is able. If God doesn’t do it, it cannot be done. I did have my faith shaken, I won’t kid you. How could God who Loves me allow this idiot to have free will and hurt me so badly? I know it may sound cliche or quaint, & holy rollie, and you may scoff at the possibilities, BUT truly, truly, without God, it can not be fixed or salvaged. Because any normal human respose would be to chop it off and run away & hate him… & that would just ruin our own lives… I never believed So strongly than I do now. For my own sanity and healing. & I see a consistant deep change in this man, not by his own doing but by God’s. When he “slipped” back into watching porn, he had said he was “healed” but he was counting on his own strength. I don’t trust him alone. He is just a man. I said I am done. Done! He was on his own. I will not live with this ever again. I did not know what I was living with at the time, & I sure as hell was not going to live with it knowingly.
    I waited for after the holidays to announce my divorce, and he continued to do more, more self improvement, excrutiatingly hard work (for both of us) of changing. For me, I decided to work on being who I was meant to be. With or without him. He continued hard work on himself, counseling, reading, doing workshops, reading & participating in every single suggestion I could find. for help and changing from all the screwed up crap on the inside… The whole time with deep regret & heart felt REMORSE. How do I know? Every person that has ever known him has witnessed a change in him,
    even when they don’t know why. He is different, with me around or without me there so I’ve been told. Even after so many times I told him NO, it is over. It is irritatig sometimes, to hear what a good man he is~ yeah, right if you only knew the rest of the story.
    We have two grown children one new gbaby and one on the way, they do not know. They know something happened, and he is different, but they don’t know what. He has actually become a good example and confidant to our grown kids.

    I stepped back & watched him (carefully) only his actions… I saw him go deeper into his leaning and learning about God begging for mercy and God’s strength, because as a human man, alone he was unable. He had to decide to do this for himself.
    Honestly I don’t even know who this new man is completely. I don’t know if I am going to fall back in love with him.
    I’m not sure if I even really like him so much. Every day he says he loves me & he is safe. He says this because he says he has to give up his control to God each and every day, sometimes each and every moment. He has a support group, and so do I. Because nobody else really understands.
    Now It is about me. With or without him. I have to be safe and secure. The only one I can ever really trust is God. Period.
    So for me, I can breath, my heart is healing. I am okay as me and who I am meant to be growing stronger and getting better. If you have any kind of faith, Now is the time to turn to it. Because that is the only true healing possible. So far so good… & 2 years, 2 months…& counting I will keep you posted…

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. A New Blog Post On The Sisterhood For Partners of Sex Addicts - September 23, 2015

    […] Then when we find out that our husband has a life long habit of banging hookers (strippers /whatever) and we get the “I’m a sex addict” line. I’m so sorry. I love you. You’re the only real thing in my life. I need help. I’ll spend the rest of my life making this up to you. I’ll change. I’ve found God (who knew that God was on Milk Cartons with a call this number if seen?). I was abused as a child. I was molested as a child. My dad was an alcoholic. I never felt good enough for you. I was adopted…. It goes on and on and on. Every reason in the book (and some not) as an excuse for banging hookers. And then, after they have read the Spark notes on one of Patrick Carnes’ stupid books (or worse talk to a CSAT), we get….Well you werent sexy enough. You were never satisfied, You didn’t clean the house. I never had a voice (what does even mean? We all heard their voice in our marriages over and over). You have to take some blame here too. You loaded the dishwasher wrong. You let the dog drink loudly from the water bowl. My shirts were on the hanger wrong. You made roast and I hate pot roast, You wouldn’t have anal sex. You always have to be right. Nobody can make you happy. You’re impossible.You never appreciated me. You spent money on curtains for the house. You bought the kids new clothes so I deserved that hooker. At least I didn’t go golfing every weekend, that’s a real expensive hobby. And on and on…until you finally get the big ones (this is when you know for a fact that they’re crazy) ”the sun came up and it’s hot outside ” yes, that’s your fault too. When they spiral into this then run, do not walk, run away. Continue Reading… […]

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