Why? A Partner Speaks On Sex Addiction

A Partner of a sex addict speaks on sex addiction and that age old question that Partners always ask.


I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. The new sisters who have recently discovered their husband’s sex addiction always ask this question. Why? ‘Why?’ is the killer question. And I’ve looked everywhere for the answer. We laugh and joke and call them names–the sex addicts, and that’s all good, but really… Why?

Why does a man choose hookers over his family? Why didn’t we see this major flaw in our husbands? Why do we stay and have nervous breakdowns when we find out? Why do therapists push us towards acknowledging our part? Why are we triggered? Why can’t we just walk out the door and never look back? Why do we seek help for them? Why do they blame us? Why do our friends and family want us to just get over it? Why did this man who watched me deliver our daughter/son leave the hospital and seek out a prostitute? And the winner is “why can’t they change?”

Think back when you first got married (maybe before kids and mortgages). If someone had asked you the question “what would you do if he cheated on you?”, I bet that 99.9% of us would have answered without hesitation “I’d want to kill him and then I would leave him”. And we would have answered that way because we never believed for one second that he would actually cheat! We did not marry men that we thought were cheaters. We married nice guys, successful guys, little league coach type guys, church member guys, community oriented guys, lovable/funny/smart guys. Sure they had faults and so did/do we but cheating with whores and strippers with family money was NOT one of the faults. Risking our health with unprotected sex was not one of the faults. Stopping on the way home for happy ending massages was not one of the faults…. That we knew about.

Then when we find out that our husband has a life long habit of banging hookers (strippers /whatever) and we get the “I’m a sex addict” line. I’m so sorry. I love you. You’re the only real thing in my life. I need help. I’ll spend the rest of my life making this up to you. I’ll change. I’ve found God (who knew that God was on Milk Cartons with a call this number if seen?). I was abused as a child. I was molested as a child. My dad was an alcoholic. I never felt good enough for you. I was adopted…. It goes on and on and on. Every reason in the book (and some not) as an excuse for banging hookers. And then, after they have read the Spark notes on one of Patrick Carnes’ stupid books (or worse talk to a CSAT), we get….Well you werent sexy enough. You were never satisfied, You didn’t clean the house. I never had a voice (what does even mean? We all heard their voice in our marriages over and over). You have to take some blame here too. You loaded the dishwasher wrong. You let the dog drink loudly from the water bowl. My shirts were on the hanger wrong. You made roast and I hate pot roast, You wouldn’t have anal sex. You always have to be right. Nobody can make you happy. You’re impossible.You never appreciated me. You spent money on curtains for the house. You bought the kids new clothes so I deserved that hooker. At least I didn’t go golfing every weekend, that’s a real expensive hobby. And on and on…until you finally get the big ones (this is when you know for a fact that they’re crazy) ”the sun came up and it’s hot outside ” yes, that’s your fault too. When they spiral into this then run, do not walk, run away.

Then while we are barely able to breathe when the life has been sucked out of us, when the thought of just brushing our teeth is impossible….. we are asked to help him. We are fired upon by the whole reconciliation/CSAT/Carnes industry. We are told to attend 12 step meetings at age 50 when we’ve never been addicted to anything. We are told to take anti depressants and Xanax (nothing wrong with that if you need them) when we’ve never needed meds before in our lives. We are forced to go disrobe and spread our legs and explain to our OB/GYN (that probably delivered our children) why we need a full STD panel. We are encouraged by our pastors to work things out..acting like our husbands just forgot to take out the garbage. We are told by our friends and some family that ”all men do it”. We are forced to learn words like ”slip” and ”relapse” and ”acting out” to replace ”he fucked hookers”. That’s a particular annoying thing. Two year olds ”act out”. Grown ass men fuck hookers. But I digress….We are told by marriage counsellors everywhere that we need to be more loving/forgiving/affectionate/ etc. we are told by CSATS to enforce a 90 day no sex plan. We are told to not be the marriage police and don’t interfere with his ”recovery” (there’s another doozy! Like he has cancer?). BUT if we don’t set up ”boundaries” and be a part of his ”recovery” (install Covenent Eyes, check in once a week to ask him about his progress), then we are enablers and codependent.

We are chastised and treated like children. We are talked down to and patronized. We have people like Milton Magness who sells expensive video tutorials and promises partners “healing in 30 weeks” and the videos say nothing except “stay on your side of the street and let him heal and go to COSA meetings”. We have other women in the CSAT proffession coddling our husbands and treating us like we are insane crazy bitches. Our own husbands believe this drivel and begin to blame us again. The same husbands that swore they would spend the rest of their lives making this up to us. And just wait till he attends his first few SA meetings. That’s a special treat. You get to hear all about how damaged they are and how all of this is his mother/father’s fault and then they start telling you (again) everything you’re doing wrong. If he happens to get a ”chip” for being ”sober” then God help you if you don’t celebrate. All the while you’re thinking ”I can’t even breathe. I can’t begin to know what I’m supposed to tell my children. I don’t even know the strange man that is living in my home”. That same man that promised to love , honor and protect you and also swore to do everything to make this right and keep you will now be replaced by a walking talking robot. He will speak in SA therapy speak and if you thought you were crazy because he banged hookers then just wait until you get the Carnes Clone treatment. The man that you have loved your entire life, the one that laid next to you on the couch and laughed at movies, the one that knows you don’t like butter on your popcorn, the one that had sex with you and whispered he loved you, the one that held your hand when your mother was sick, the one that leaves a nightlight on because you’re afraid of the dark, the one that you have a special language with that no one else knows, the one that knows you better than anyone will start talking in code that no one except CSATS and sex addicts can understand. He will trade his world of secret hookers for a life of a secret sex addict in ”recovery”. I honestly don’t know which is actually worse. I think after being through all of this I would choose the hookers as easier to deal with…

I took a little step yesterday and told one of my friends what my wonderful husband has been up to. She was shocked to say the least. And when I told her he claimed he was a sex addict, she said, “Isn’t that what they all just say?”.

And that’s where we get so sidetracked. She was exactly right. Sex addiction has become a catch all phrase for “cheater” or “psycho” or “bad husband”. When my husband said the words sex addict to me back in February of 2012, I didn’t have a clue how to respond. I thought I had just caught him cheating (like that isn’t bad enough). But oh hell no!! He wasn’t just a cheater. He was SICK. Why couldn’t I understand? He felt sooo much better now that it was out in the open. Blah blah blah blah … On and on and on. I did what everyone else does. I googled. One book from Patrick Carnes had me throwing my iPad against the garage wall. Then I found SOS.

I thank God (for real) every day for this site and especially for JoAnn. I learned there is no “why?”. I learned it wasn’t my fault. And I learned the hard way that these guys do not change. They are broken somewhere so badly that it cannot be fixed. Ever. It’s not about the sex. It’s about being a man that can lie and cheat and deceive for his whole life. He can google ”hooker” on BackPages while drunk and then say he’s ashamed. But he cannot google ”help” the next morning when sober? I wouldn’t buy that excuse from a 10 year old. If he’s smart enough to fool everyone in his life for 50 years then he’s smart enough to search for help before his wife and children and family and friends are hurt. Either google ”help” or get a divorce and give the mother of your children a chance at a life. Don’t steal her youth, her sex life, her femininity, her self worth, her ability to smile and then claim to love your children. Men that love their families run into burning buildings to save them. They do not decimate their children’s mother. Ever.

Pirate on sisters. This siloquoy is for Daisy girl today. I love you and you are so much more important than all of these fucked up guys put together. There isn’t one of them good enough to take out your trash. There is no ”why?”. It doesn’t matter why. It’s the truth. If you happen to be one of those partners that believe the ”I’ll spend the rest of my life making this up to you” crap then try divorcing one of them. Good luck with that. He will turn monster on you before you can say, ”let’s have an amicable divorce”.

So whatever any of you are planning (stay/go/murder) …. The murder part is a joke in case anyone is really considering this. They aren’t worth jail time……….let’s do it with the understanding that we will never understand them. And we are grateful that we don’t. The answer to ”why can’t they be helped?” Is that …. THEY ARE NOT NORMAL

18 thoughts on “Why? A Partner Speaks On Sex Addiction”

  1. Thank you for saying it all perfectly bluntly and just what is, is. I have had these exact feelings and pretty much same words about all his BS. I have read ALL the books and spent the last 2 years reinstating my own sanity. Waisted the last two years trying to underwstand the “WHY??” And you are absolutly right. There are deep rooted brain deficiencies and personality disorders to say the least. Now diagnosed. CD ADHD, & Narcissistic tendencies. Lastly, he just decided to lie & fuck strippers. Period.
    God help us. There is only one Only ONE hope for full recovery~ for me, and for him if he chooses. Only God can make something beautiful from these ashes. Only THE Creator of the universe GOD can fix this. If you don’t have God, there is no hope for rearranging & tranforming of his brain and his soul. All I have to believe in is my Faith in God. He is able. If God doesn’t do it, it cannot be done. I did have my faith shaken, I won’t kid you. How could God who Loves me allow this idiot to have free will and hurt me so badly? I know it may sound cliche or quaint, & holy rollie, and you may scoff at the possibilities, BUT truly, truly, without God, it can not be fixed or salvaged. Because any normal human respose would be to chop it off and run away & hate him… & that would just ruin our own lives… I never believed So strongly than I do now. For my own sanity and healing. & I see a consistant deep change in this man, not by his own doing but by God’s. When he “slipped” back into watching porn, he had said he was “healed” but he was counting on his own strength. I don’t trust him alone. He is just a man. I said I am done. Done! He was on his own. I will not live with this ever again. I did not know what I was living with at the time, & I sure as hell was not going to live with it knowingly.
    I waited for after the holidays to announce my divorce, and he continued to do more, more self improvement, excrutiatingly hard work (for both of us) of changing. For me, I decided to work on being who I was meant to be. With or without him. He continued hard work on himself, counseling, reading, doing workshops, reading & participating in every single suggestion I could find. for help and changing from all the screwed up crap on the inside… The whole time with deep regret & heart felt REMORSE. How do I know? Every person that has ever known him has witnessed a change in him,
    even when they don’t know why. He is different, with me around or without me there so I’ve been told. Even after so many times I told him NO, it is over. It is irritatig sometimes, to hear what a good man he is~ yeah, right if you only knew the rest of the story.
    We have two grown children one new gbaby and one on the way, they do not know. They know something happened, and he is different, but they don’t know what. He has actually become a good example and confidant to our grown kids.

    I stepped back & watched him (carefully) only his actions… I saw him go deeper into his leaning and learning about God begging for mercy and God’s strength, because as a human man, alone he was unable. He had to decide to do this for himself.
    Honestly I don’t even know who this new man is completely. I don’t know if I am going to fall back in love with him.
    I’m not sure if I even really like him so much. Every day he says he loves me & he is safe. He says this because he says he has to give up his control to God each and every day, sometimes each and every moment. He has a support group, and so do I. Because nobody else really understands.
    Now It is about me. With or without him. I have to be safe and secure. The only one I can ever really trust is God. Period.
    So for me, I can breath, my heart is healing. I am okay as me and who I am meant to be growing stronger and getting better. If you have any kind of faith, Now is the time to turn to it. Because that is the only true healing possible. So far so good… & 2 years, 2 months…& counting I will keep you posted…

  2. Since you’re commenting that he is a changed man now that he found God are you regretting divorcing him OR perhaps he would never have found that route if you didn’t divorce him. I sense a little bit of remorse.

  3. I finally filed for divorce after 2 1/2 years. He has blown away. cried, threw-up and said I was making a huge mistake and was going to hurt the family (kids). He has and will continue to torture me emotionally and spiritually but I can’t let that happen. He wants to move into the apartment I found, decorated so he can have his space. Too bad… that’s going to be a battle. He has the nerve to want to kick out my daughter who is currently living there. I told him he could move downstairs while we go through this divorce (which will undoubtedly take a while. I’m thinking 6 to 8 months. When I told him the longer the d process, the more expensive it’s going to be and he listened up on that one. When I told him I filed he left to stay with his sister and has been there for 3 weeks now. Thank God, I’m in the house now but that won’t last long. I saw him last night and he’s now placing blame for his actions on me. He told me not to say to him that he has a sickness – he’s telling me he’s better now. That is, after going to therapy once a week for one hour and reading “Awaking to Your Life’s Purpose,” and “Living in the Now” which he is suggesting I read. I cannot believe he is actually placing blame on me for his SA actions, which btw.. has been going on (he admitted) for our entire marriage of 29 1/2 years. I look at him and wonder how the hell I lived with this person and had 3 kids with this sick man. I do believe he is sick… do screw prosititutes and carry on when he had a beautiful wife and 3 lovely children. Feeling quite angry today and emotional. Time to work-out and take care of myself. Had to vent.. Thanks for the opportunity to speak the truth!

  4. Thank you for the posts. I recently found out that my long term boyfriend is a sex addict. I wont get into the details but it’s just too much fot me to live with and I am without a doubt leaving him. Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps knowing there is support out there. I always considered myself a strong person but this is a lot more difficult than I could have ever anticipated. Lots of sleepless nights. Tonight Im up researching because I had a dream/nightmare that he was trying to kill me.. Ughh.. Don’t know what that means but I’m sure it has to do with feeling safe.. Can’t wait for this nightmare to be behind me!

  5. Hi, Im reading all of this now 2 years after my life fell apadt! Finding out about the ex girlfriend he had an affair with, who I know and socialize with from time to time because of mutal friends. His girlfriend he was going to leave his family for to all the prostitutes!! Sick sick sick I was!! Of course he promised me the world and I took the bait like an asshole!! I know find porn on his phone with pop ups of local l girls who want sex!! Im sick all over again!! I havent brought it to his attention yet. Im going to put spyware on his phone first. For me its especially hard. I have no college education, Im 52 and have alot of baggage I carry with me!! Fincially I need him! That makes me so upset with myself and I want to throw up but its true!! Thats why I believe Im still here!! I dont know what to do anymore!! I have 2 girls for god sakes….he has 2 beautiful girls!! What is he thinking!!??

  6. 2017 Update! I truly hope upon hope that you have found peace and health. I for one am doing much better. I have become a better person, with God as my strength & help, Yes I really get that now. I actually do see the beauty from the ashes. It is appearant to others as well. Finally. Yes I see the change, and for this moment,
    dare I say it, I have a healthy relationship. I have a healthy marriage. We talk and communicate and are present. After 4years of Hell and fire and excruciating pain. I can actually say yes, I do see the difference. I am not saying that I am blind. There is accountability. There is proof and continuing recovery, because there is an imperfect man, and imperfect self as well. But there is healing, and peace and joy and actual life after DDay. Finally there is honesty, humility and intimacy, depth in conversation and kindness and happiness. It is like “IT”(DDay & all that came with it) sits next to me and not on top of me sufficating me any more. Am I in denial? No,I have been beaten up with reality… my wounds are finally healing from the bone to the scars. I am learning to live with the history of the ugly & bad and the changes of grace & good. Yup, together, black and white… good + bad = humanity. I don’t have the same husband, or the same marriage but I think that is probably a good thing… I can say that today is good, better and freer. Honestly I don’t care what it took, or who to believe, addict or not addict. Maybe this was the only way I was going to get that cleaned up “good man” because I don’t think there is a man that starts out perfect or all good. What it takes to get to the other side? It was going through the darkest, ugliest, most scary, horrific pain and hardest battle with wounds and scars that I have ever been through, a struggle of a lifetime. But I made it and I am breathing and I am better for it. (Don’t throw rocks please! I know I would have if I would have heard this about 4 years ago.) So Only with God is this possible because no man, or marriage could come out of this alive with out God.
    That’s my update. 4years & 4months later.

  7. Wow, this was incredible. I’m pretty sure I must have written it because it encompasses every thought I’ve been having. My “husband” (who doesn’t live with myself and my two very young children) is having a grand ‘ol time changing in the twelve step program. What I don’t understand is why should I wait around to be victimized by his own selfishness in still wanting to stick around? That’s a why I want answered. I’m pretty sure I’ve given enough (my life, my PhD, my childrens’ lives)…I’m pretty sure I’m fucking done. So why does he have rights to them? Why does he still get to influence my life? Why do I have to spend my weekend playing nice? Ok, apparently I have plenty of whys. But truly, this article is getting bookmarked to be read on a very regular basis. Thank you for that. Ladies, don’t let anyone tell you it’s your fault. The 12-step program I went to was filled with women dying to take the blame and spend their lives helping someone who never wanted help in the first place. I don’t know anyone more dedicated to a program or lifestyle change than my husband. And I still can’t imagine the trust-less relationship that would be left if I stick around. You all deserve more and so do I.

  8. I don’t want to be a downer even more than what we have all dealt with, but I have to put in my two cents. Someone on here was saying that they were so happy God had changed their husband. I believe in God and don’t think I could have made it through without my faith. Especially after finding out about the prostitutes, the lies and the hidden life that went on for the last 3 years of our marriage. This was after doing all of the healing from the last time he was caught. Beware! My husband pretended God changed him too in between. … He was a model husband, wonderful, did all the right things when he was caught that first time! At that point it was “just an affair “with a coworker. This time was so much worse and all the wasted time from then until I finally called it quits. I absolutely do not believe they can change! I didn’t want to be some one’s savior. They don’t want to be saved, the lies are too much fun for them

  9. 3 years after the “actual affair”, his addictive behaviors haven’t changed and I find myself sleeping upstairs in my child’s room just to be away from him. He promises me the world, he “found god”, blah blah blah. He’s still the same POS he was 3 years ago (and even further back of looking for the affairs) and I’m ready to gain the strength to move on. Thanks for this post. It hit home and it’s exactly what I needed.

  10. To the woman who wrote Why? I have lived your life and have felt the same depth of pain and shame. It is New Year’s Eve 2019 and I just realized that my husband began a three month process of confessing years of fucking prostitutes, sometimes two at a time and sometimes in my own home in our bed a full ten years ago. It has been ten years since D day and I am still with this person who abandoned the life of fucking people behind my back. He confessed to 18 different people, that he remembered over a span of ten or twelve years. One was a whore he fucked for four years. I have never found a way to fully recover from this. I am unhappy in this marriage. I look at him and am wrathful and grossed out. I remember those feelings of not being able to breathe, I felt like a drowning dog treading water trying to survive. As you said my youth was stolen my sex life was stolen so much was stolen. How do we heal from this? How does the dark cloud leave for good? How do I get my happy go lucky joy back? I have nit found a way. I am christian and have prayed fasted praised confessed served but it still hurts. I was diagnosed with stage three rectal cancer last month and start chemo and radiation Jan 2 and all I can think about is the anal sex he had with some married bitch yet I am the one who had cancer develop in my rectum. What is this demon? I am so sorry for every woman who has lived this shame I know what it is to suffer this. I am so sorry!

  11. This is the first site I’ve been on that is straight from the heart! I found out my husband of 43 years was a sex addict in aug of last yr. I was devastated and would have rather died! Here I am still waiting for him get help 6 months later. He was the perfect husband,father and friend. I saw a text that led to me calling her to find out he met on plenty of fish and slept together at a pump jack! [oilfield] He has been a boss for many yrs which gave him access to be away from home. I started digging and found he was 3 users on this site. 3200 emails in that yr. He was on so many sites. Google activity showed him up all night and day on these sites. porn sites, sexting you name it! Making dates with every size, color, no preference as he said in his profiles.He only wanted one night with them and would block their number after. Using a fake name that all user names led back to. He said he was divorced,wealthy, owned land in other cities, was a engineer, posted fake pictures . I have horses and he can’t pick a hoof but told lies how he rode and took them on vacations with him! I ended up talking with a few women that called . they were very nice as crazy as that sounds. told me all kinds of info on what he had told them. I couldn’t believe this was the man I loved and thought loved me. He had never picked up a bible but a friend talked to him and gave him one and he hasn’t put it down. Only he also says he’s healed and doesn’t need help! I made it plain , without help there was no marriage. I do believe God is the only thing that could change anyone like him but he has to show accountability and he hasn’t done crap except read! So do most of you believe there is no recovery? I almost had him go to beginagain or purelife. I have looked for help for both of us but everything looks the same. I know I can’t take much more. I SERIOUSLY need help.

  12. For the first 47.5 years of my marriage, I felt that I could not have found a more suitable life mate. He does not drink alcohol, do drugs of any kind, smoke anything, does not gamble, does not hunt or fish. He has been a devoted and loving man who has made me laugh most every day of our marriage until recently. Through the years, I knew that he had crushes on women from his work, but never would I have believed that he would betray our marriage or me. After all, I felt truly loved and cherished!

    Seven months ago, my dear husband literally ran away from home and me to the arms of an old high school friend who contacted him on Facebook. I was blind-sided, there was never a hint of this 6 week emotional affair until he left me. At 2:00 a.m., this 69 year old man( now 70 ) gathered his absolute necessities and stole away, drove the rest of that night, all the next day, and into the next night to get to her across the country. Within an hour of his arrival at her home, they were in her bed. According to him, the fantasy did not last long, but he did manage to force himself to stayed with her for 7 days because he did not want to hurt her feelings by leaving earlier than promised. I think that he thoroughly enjoyed the “strange” as he put it. A long story made short, I insisted that we go to marriage counseling if he wanted to save the marriage. Well we did counseling for 4 months until the Corona-19 Virus quarantined the country. Neither of us received much from those months other than he just went crazy!

    Last week, on April 30th, I noticed a mail icon on his phone that I did not recognize. Swipe and up came up hundreds of pages of sexually explicit messages from a woman in Canada. In a secret mail account, there were thousands of messages. It was obvious right away that the two of them had a very intimate relationship. I confronted him to have him say that she was a just a pen pal friend who had contacted him 6 years ago. They had been friends as teenagers and she sought him out on, you guessed it, Facebook. As he related the story, he felt he had done nothing wrong in as much as he had never touched her and never met her face to face since first contact. Canada knew that he had gone to Michigan to visit 1st Facebook woman and was very angry at husband for not coming to Canada to see her. Can anybody believe this……sounds like a poorly written soap opera. Bad thirteen year old diary writings!

    This last episode with the Canadian woman has prompted many more disclosures of his sexual contacts over our entire marriage. He had unprotected sex with all contacts. He will admit to 5 women contacts, excluding Canada. After all, as he says, he never touched Canada only talked dirty and had face time exploits as she bounced around in front of him. So she does not count as he insists ! Mind you, this is a 69 year old woman. This is a short, plump, weathered woman who looks older than her years, but she oozes confidence. Of course, he built her up at every opportunity. As husband relates the stories, he saw her bare breasts at least 75 times over the years. He loved those 5 inch diameter nipples! She said that he would have to see the bottom half in person. She has offered to meet my husband anytime or any place, all he needed to do was ask. Her son is a pilot, so she has 24/7 day opportunity at a minute’s notice. I would love to talk to her husband!

    I now feel that there have been dozens of women, but he cannot bring himself to relate them all to me. I do feel that he is a sex addict and the online assessment test, Sexual Addiction Screen Test, scored him an 11 out of 20. Scores of 6 or above put him squarely in that category. As soon as Corona -19 is over, I will have to have myself thoroughly medically checked out.

    At 69 years old, what do I do? I hear his typical pronouncements…I will never do again, I love you and our life that we have built, I hate the pain that I have heaped on. He says that this is all in his head! Now that he is older, he is unable to keep all of lies hidden. He has grown sloppy in his cover-ups and was obviously a skilled liar his whole life.

    I will never trust him or any other man ever again. If he has managed to cover who he really is, are there any descent men?
    He is still here, but NO more chances…..I do not threaten! I must save myself! The next time will be his last time. I am preparing my heart for that eventuality . We will split our funds, sell our home, and dissolve all of our investments. We will both be financially comfortable, but I feel that a woman, any woman who gives him attention, would manipulate him out of his half. I feel that all the stresses that he has placed into his being has helped to rob his health. He has high blood pressure and has had one heart attack. I feel the next heart episode will be his last. Leading a double life has put his life in jeopardy. I cannot allow him to take me down with him.

    I am still confused as what to do. I am devastated by all of the behavior, but the Canadian woman (maybe because it is the most recent and raw) bothers me the most. A real relationship ( 6 years long) was evident and appeared to genuine love between the two of them from the texts that I read. She is married ( 40+ years) and boy would I like to tell her husband who she is. Any experienced older women with these matters?

  13. Dear Eileen, I am so sorry for the trauma you are going through, I am sending you hugs, support and comfort. I do understand the pain, confusion, trauma; the need to rewrite your entire relationship history, the fear of the unknown future and the grieving for your loss of trust and innocence.

    There are many, many stories here of older women who have been betrayed, many who have decades long long-term marriages; women who are facing retirement and have had their entire future blown up.

    You already know who he is, what will finding out one more time do for your decision making? All that does is leave your future and the choices to him. You have already shown your hand and if you do not put safeguards in place, he will have all the time in the world to move assets and prepare for a divorce before you even know what is happening.

    I would suggest that you do the things necessary to keep your future safe while you still can. Don’t wait for him to catch you off guard and leave you without those choices. The common story with older men is that they leave their older wife for whomever their love interest is. Often it is a prostitute or an opportunistic woman who gives him all of his fantasies and asks for all of his money in return.

    Please, talk with an attorney and separate the finances now. Write up a separation agreement that will convert to a divorce whenever YOU decide you have had enough pain. If you leave that decision to him you have no control over your future.

    If you decide to stay with him it must be with your eyes wide open. If you think he will change or if you think he will stop or if you think he has told you everything you are just setting your self up for more trauma and pain.

    Sending virtual hugs. ~ JoAnn

  14. These men deserve to be alone and unloved. If we couldn’t stop fucking other men, they’d be out the damn door fast. They destroy our lives and should be alone to pursue whores. I’m scared to be alone after 27 years, but I tried so hard, and he didn’t. I will find happiness.

  15. I so understand what you are feeling even though I know this is painful.. We do NOT deserve this. We deserve honesty, respect, and love. These men do not respect themselves much less their family. They are self-centered and are dealing with something much deeper than we can reach. They should have gotten help for their real issues a long time ago. I am sorry for your pain., but you will be happy because that is what you deserve.

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