I received this e-mail from a woman who attended the Doug Weiss Heart To Heart Counseling Center. She said the experience was horrible! Here’s what she had to say about that experience.
Doug Weiss. HORRIBLE!!
1. When I stated that I was so devastated that I did not want to have sex with my husband, he (Doug Weiss) told me that if I didn’t have sex with my husband that I would lose him (I guess non emotional and objectifying sex is ok with him).
2. He told my husband that I would not leave him because I would not give up my “life style”.
3. When I told him that my physician husband continued to touch and exam fully naked women and that triggered me, he stated ” then just don’t be in the room when he does that! (as if that makes it ok).
4. When I suggested that my husband give up doing procedures that involved him staring at and touching fully naked women all day long, he stated ” You can’t ask him to change his career, it’s like asking him to change his eye color!) What? We are born with our eye color, however, we are not born with our careers! We can change our careers at any given time, but not our eye color! Besides, I wasn’t asking him to change his career, I was asking him to not do procedures, which triggered me and triggered my husband.! As if its ok for an alcoholic to work as a bartender!!!
5. He told me that I suffered from intimacy anorexia not reactive intimacy anorexia. He said I had full blown intimacy anorexia because I did not want to have objectifying sex with my husband after I found out that he had unprotected sex with over 1500 different prostitutes, my sister, his patients, gym members, nurses, cleaning crew, drug reps etc….and did nothing to rectify the marriage and continued to lie lie and lie.
She goes on to say:
I just posted a comment about Doug Weiss, however I was wondering if you were aware of any clause his paperwork (that I did not pay attention to when I went to see him) stating that you cannot say anything negative about him? I know a great deal of therapists and women who had negative experiences with him, however I can’t find their comments anywhere. I know that when I asked him for my polygraph questions that he used in office, he refused claiming my questions were his property and that if I tried to get them from him that he would have a lawyer contact me. What?? Really??
I know he is lawyer-ed up and wondered if maybe I should not post that comment although I feel partners have the right to know about how I was treated.
I answered that I did not know if Doug Weiss had such a clause in his contract but if she tried to post a comment on his site or his facebook page that he has the authority and the right to monitor comments and choose which ones are allowed.
She also wrote:
There were women in his waiting room in complete shock telling me “He doesn’t get it”.
When I called to schedule my intensive I specifically told his wife what I wanted to work on during my intensive. However, when I got there they put us through his assembly line (what I call it when you have couples going from station to station doing the same thing).
To have spent all of that money just to have him not listen to me and tell those things (that I mentioned above) traumatized me even more. When I pointed out that Barbara Steffens states in her book that I have every right to ask for things that make me safe, his response was, ‘Well, I don’t agree with everything these authors write!”. He’s a complete fraud!!
This woman’s description of what happened to her is typical of the lack of acknowledgment of the partner’s trauma and the victim shaming that occurs in many of the sex addiction treatment centers.
Partners are told to ‘trust’ their husbands or partners even in light of years, sometimes decades of lying and deception. They are told to have sex with these men, potentially exposing them to STDs. They are told to not ask questions about the sexual behaviors as it might ‘shame’ the sex addict. Partners are told to ‘own’ their part of the problem, seek therapy and attend 12 step programs and they are told that any monitoring of the sex addict’s activities is proof of the partner’s ‘sickness’.
In my opinion sex addiction therapy and rehab programs do nothing more than enable the sex addict by giving him an excuse for his behavior (my addiction made me do it), give only lip service to accountability and gives them a sense of entitlement that is often used against their partners.
As I have said so many times here and on my other sites; this thing we call sex addiction is not an illness in itself but a trait or symptom of a personality disorder or other mental illness and should be treated professionally as such. Bogus treatment centers, 12 step groups and sex addiction therapy do nothing to fix this problem.
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I believe I began with your program maybe in 2007?
My story and experience with Dr. Doug Weiss left me further traumatized and took me awhile to figure out exactly what had actually happened to me. Dating since 2003, married 2004 and for religious reasons, we did not live together before we were married though we were in our late 40’s. I owned my home. We sold mine and kept his.
We began marital counseling 6 months after we were married. He was diagnosed by the Ph.D. counselor of our same faith. We continued to see her sometimes twice a week together and individually from 08/2004-01/2014. TEN YEARS of formal counseling, church counseling, and secrecy on my part. I allowed myself to be labeled emotionally and mentally unstable to protect him because of the stigma of sexual addiction.
Trusting the professionals with sex-addiction caused me to stay. My husband was diagnosed with sexual anorexia. I was neglected in all ways, destroyed in all ways we all share. I’ll never recover from the extent of the 15 years of abuse.
He assaulted me over and over. He is a compulsive masturbator to porn and sexualizes girls and women in public until I quit going in public with him. He has drilled holes in the walls and floors of our home to watch my niece and her husband in bed, on and on. I have trouble even saying all of this out loud.
I’m going to skip the details and go right to my experience with Heart to Heart. (I sent them emails with no response. I may attempt it again).
Our counselor had warned me that his addiction and denial ran so deep he could pass a lie detector test.
PASS A LIE DETECTOR TEST! He has a Job Corp GED. I thought it was not possible. HE DID IT!
She said if he did, it would make things much worse. I consulted with another professional online and they said the same thing. I could not believe that would be possible because the sexual things he had disclosed himself. I wasn’t allowed to know the details. Only what I was exposed to, what he did to family members, in public and to me privately.
I was working in a professional position, I was the caregiver for my sister who past of cancer. He physically attacked me a month later 02/2008. I learned later that he would go to the police first so when I talked to them he had already prepped them I was crazy. Nothing happened but I had to have facial sinus surgery 07/2008 to remove scar tissue from the injury.
I moved from the marital home when it happened. We continued as husband and wife and few knew I didn’t live in the marital home again.
The next disabling incident happened in 09/2010-I believe perpetrated by his fury over going to H2H in 03/2010.
Again, unable to prosecute him or protect me. I became disabled and remain disabled from that incident. I can’t work and had to drop out of my scholarship funded Master’s program.
In 03/2010 I paid $4000 cash for a Couple’s Intensive weekend. I’d spent over $1000 on H2H DVD’s and book 12/2009.
My husband agreed to go to H2H but I had to ride in the back seat for the 6-hour trip.
Our experience was so similar to the woman above I won’t repeat it. Assembly line couples and groups. They gave my husband a polygraph exam without asking me anything about it to prepare him.
On the final day, we went into an office with Dr. Weiss.
Dr. Weiss told me my husband had passed the polygraph exam. I was stunned into silence because there was no way that was possible because the questions he was asked were based solely on his own admissions-not my suspicions!
Dr. Weiss proceeded to berate me as to why I was jumping up and down with joy and calling everyone…………..My husband just sat quietly taking it all in. You can imagine what he was like to try to live with after that.
I later learned though the man who did the polygraphs was certified and has many years’ experience he completed a 30-60-minute exam total. Later, I read about the issues with polygraph exams, they’re not allowed as evidence in a court of law and to get anywhere close to accurate results need to be for a minimum of 90 minutes.
My husband was on a high dosage of Tramadol, a synthetic morphine, at the time of his exam. No one asked him. He’s still dependent on this drug.
Months later my husband admitted/bragged to me he had told Dr. Weiss I was a BPD, a Borderline Personality Disordered woman. It is the worst diagnoses a woman can be labeled with. It is often misdiagnosed in women of DV abuse. However, my continued diagnoses remain MDD, Major Depressive Disorder, GAD, General Anxiety Disorder, PCS, Post-concussion Syndrome from the head injuries and C-PTSD and Complex Grief which is where the first diagnoses stem from. NEVER BPD!
Dr. Weiss NEVER asked me about my husband. He never asked me about if it was true I was diagnosed with BPD. I was a professional VR Counselor and my husband was a blue-color coal miner and he accepted his diagnoses and word that I was BPD which is a lifelong character and personality disorder that is near impossible to treat.
I’ve completed the DSM-V. I have some expertise in explaining my disorders and disabilities.
My husband quietly went behind my back and claimed I was BPD to explain why I seemed to be struggling with our marriage to our friends, family, co-workers, church family even my children. He ruined my life in all ways.
I remained silent and loyal, private as a wife should be about our marital especially our sexual life. He has done many illegal sexual actions to me and family members. Never enough proof to move forward.
He used what Dr. Weiss had said and him passing the polygraph to totally destroy my credibility, professional and personal life. I went from $50,000 a year to live on SSDI since 2011. He came home and told everyone who would listen what he had endured while I remained silent because I had no idea.
After remaining as a caregiver for my mother who had cancer from 2012 and passed in 2014, I had to move in 2014 for my safety and well-being. I have lived in three states and seven homes since 2014. I just got into senior housing and I have nothing. Not a bed or household good. Just boxes of clothes, toiletries, and papers.
I have a legal divorce and name change as of 02/2018 but the property settlement will be decided later. He has successfully caused me to go from zero debt with a near 800 credit score to $35,000 in debt to try to survive with all my medical conditions for the past three years.
I live in fear if I do get awarded a settlement, he may come for me someday.
Because of my medical expenses and debt, he caused since the divorce was filed, It will be taken by the debts and Medicaid.
This spiral where my Ex basically went into a Narcissistic Rage which quietly but lethal continues to this day.
I was betrayed by the leaders of our church. He is not supposed to hold any position in the church if he is abusive. I truly believe others would and could see and know the truth for themselves. They do not and will not.
I was raped by him in my rental after the last head injury. That’s just one of over a decade of ongoing abuse I kept secret and was too afraid to challenge him.
Our visit to H2H began a nightmare I had no idea was brewing of revenge from my Ex I’m still enduring.
I hope this isn’t too difficult to follow.
Ask me anything you wish.
I’m considering Legal Malpractice against my lawyer for not helping me with spousal support as a disabled spouse. I’m too beat down and disabled to help myself against either of them anymore.
I’ve wondered about legal repercussions against Dr. Weiss. Possibly a Class Action Case.
Dr. Weiss and H2H need to be stopped.
Even Dr. Phil supports and promotes him! I wonder if Dr. Phil would continue to support him if he knew there’s so many of us who suffered further abuse and stayed years longer in marriages that were headed to the same outcome and tragically destroyed women’s lives.
I read the other woman’s post and triggered my response and support.
I wasn’t able to speak about this until now that the divorce is legal. I live in constant intimidation and fear of telling my story.
My health is ruined and in retirement I have little hope for recovery.
I have nothing left to fear but fear itself!
I just finished a book written by Weiss and another woman called Women who love sex-addicts. It was written in 1993 when this area of study was brand new and the internet wasn’t playing such a huge role in addiction… and every page reeked of how little he understood the partner’s place in sex addiction. He was one of the early ‘pioneers’ of sex addiction study and even with the decades of progress being made with brain structure, chemistry and personal behaviors and the research of multiple professionals studying this disease he continues to hang on to antiquated ideas about the woman’s role in a sex-addict partnership. His recent works aren’t much better and his programs are geared toward gathering data for his publications… not helping anyone. He missed the boat a long time ago. Anything I hear from him I question.
Dr. Weiss is dangerous and traumatizing to women. No question. His critics have been scrubbed online so unless you are on a private forum, you will not see anything criticizing his methodology. He is well marketed and loved to speak in 3rd person mesmerizing fashion. At a conference I attended last weekend, he constantly used phrases like “Dr. Weiss loves women” “Dr. Doug has yours back.” His a master of name dropping — Dr. Phil, Oprah, hey — even Phil Donahue.
He micro manages every counselor. When at our first “workshop” with a counselor who has been associated with him for 20 years, we were told to put down our pencils and not take notes as she delivered 30 items we were not to do to our addict husbands. Then we were bombarded with shaming instructions such as telling us by setting boundaries, it was just another euphemism for controlling our husbands. Example: “You tell your husband you don’t want him to go to Starbucks because the coffeeshop is filled with hot women behind the counter. Temptation. Ladies. Stop controlling him. Let the guy get his cup of coffee! You are just waiting to catch him going there and call him out.” Wow. Really? A reasonable discussion with ones spouse asking him not to go to a place that triggers you is controlling?
We were given two choices for breakout sessions: Divorce or Having Sex with our Husbands. Not going through divorce, I chose the sex workshop. We were told: “Doug Weiss wants everyone to be having great sex” Great. Women in this room spanned from literally days into discovery to those who we stuck years post discovery from a husband still acting out. The sweet young softspoken counselor who was sharing her story, talked about how after a separation. Dr. Doug had she and her husband make a sexual agreement to grow their personal “sexual garden.” He had them agree to initiate that each would take 3-4 days each week and be the initiater of sex. IF the wife did not do her part, she was to “establish consequences on herself for NOT initiating sex with her husband.” As this women continued, SHE TALKED ABOUT THE WEEKS AND MONTHS OF TEARS AND GRIEF SHE HAD TO WORK THROUGH EACH TIME SHE HAD SEX WITH HER HUSBAND — AND THIS WAS CATHARTIC.
Doug Weiss told them to leave the lights on and look each other in the eyes when having sex. She said he told them to discuss sexual positions. She said this was difficult because some of the positions could have been acquired while he was unfaithful. But she needed to please him. She spoke of how painful and even shaming this was — but that it was needed for her to get to being ok with herself and restoring the God intended goal of sex in marriage. Restoring sex as soon as possible was the goal.
We were told Dr. Doug did not want these counselors to answer questions. We all questioned why. The first speaker, who had been with Dr. Doug for 20 years, said SHE could take a few questions, but the younger counselor could not. I addressed issues about moving forward. I was stuck by my H telling me, at one point, that “75% of the women he looked at/had sex with were younger, prettier, and skinnier than me.” I was immediately shamed — and told that “I was stuck because of something he said in an insane moment?” I explained he repeated this statement. Then the Stepford women in the audience started to turn to me and say helpful things like, I obviously had issues with forgiveness. Woah! I felt I had entered the TWILIGHT ZONE.
I want to add that every single issue, we were told to “Buy Dr. Weiss’ book…” or to schedule a counseling session $$$.
This guy is a scheming marketing shister. He plays to the poor insecure Christian woman. The real money is with the men who are paying for their wives to get it together and start having sex again. He uses scripture to manipulate the hearts of these ladies and and rakes in the cash for his $3,000-$5,000 intensives. Plus books, other counselors, speaking engagements, and his great sex podcast.
Any criticism of him has been scrubbed online. You tell me — how can a “counselor” as popular as Dr. Weiss have less than 9 reviews on every single rating website? The ONLY criticisms are from men who claim Weiss blames only them. I counted 3. Those comments draws women who THINK Weiss is on their side. HE NEEDS TO BE EXPOSED.
Thanks so much for this comment Annie. You are right, these men who have seized upon the word Partners to sell their snake oil need to be exposed. Not only do they do a disservice to the sex addicts by labeling them with a non existent diagnosis and promising a cure without any verifiable evidence, they are endangering and re traumatizing the partners and charging huge amounts of money for these sham workshops and intensives. This is abuse all the way around.
While I feel terrible to hear about your experience, I have to say that it is very surprising to hear. I have never met Doug Weiss or attended his intensive, but I I have seen several of his long videos specifically directed to the wives/betrayed partner and absolutely nothing you have said in terms of his lack of sensitivity, telling us to have sex with unsafe partners, or belittling our limits is at all the case. I have no reason to argue with your experience, I’m just saying that my experience with his material and advice has been nothing like you have said. Rather I have felt greater freedom and acceptance that I can’t change my spouse, I need to redirect my energy on me, boundaries are good and healthy. While my 23 year marriage is coming to an end, I do see and believe in the possibility of how to have an emotionally, spiritually, and sexually fulfilling if BOTH people are willing to do the work. I’ve found that it HS been extremely difficult to work on myself while being with a person who continues to lie, cheat, and minimize, maybe I came into this marriage with some relational or interpersonal skill deficits that contributed to our conflicts (we all do), and we both definitely had poor examples and hurt from our childhood, but I know that I didn’t choose this type of marriage experience, I didn’t cause it, and I can’t cure it. My husband has to want change, put those ideas into practice, seek out accountability, and earn trust back… which he’s unwilling to do. Nevertheless I’m growing and moving on and Doug’s material has helped me immensely. I’m sorry for every woman who has lived some version of my story- I feel for you, there is a lot of bad advice by well intentioned people. I also think some advice we aren’t ready for, some of us can be so trapped in our trauma, anger, and resent meant (I was for two years) that I needed my husband to do all the fixing and I wanted everyone to fully empathize- some can’t get it and some don’t care to including our spouse. Restoration takes two willing and committed people for the duration … and sometimes only one or none show up. I just encourage anyone reading this and hearing about Doug for the first time on this platform to watch his videos and read some of his material and make your own decision based on how it resonates with you. I pray for hope, healing, and a better than ever renewed life, heart, and perspective.
ARICA HENRY, your comment is GREATLY appreciated! I definitely know that individuals can have VERY different experiences, however, my research into Dr Weiss’s material-due to spouse distancing himself because of early childhood trauma-has been comforting and helpful on my new journey of getting back to sanity after 20+ years of marriage and narcissistic abuse. I will say, though, that I myself would be very nervous and cautious about giving advise to a victim of a spouse with a sexual addition! Whether I was a professional or not.
It sounds like these negative experiences are coming from a place of trauma in that these women had not dealt with their own trauma therefore not understanding the work outlined by dr Weiss.
It is the only therapy that has been real- I’m married to an I/A who also cheated on me and I’m on the end of zero sex – so yes the sexual agreement is necessary to learn to overcome intimacy issues- never have I been encouraged to tolerate any abuse- in fact just the opposite – H2H is helping me learn to detach and set boundaries and my spouse is not as bad as some I’ve read about ! I think dr Weiss is right dead on on how to redirect marriages- but some people may not be capable of doing their own work – at least until they are ready to !
I hope this works for you Tami, I truly do.
It’s true for both parties in a relationship, that some people may not be capable of doing their own work.
I don’t believe that the experiences that the woman who wrote to me or the those that have been shared in the comments have anything to do with them not having done their own work. Their experiences clearly outline abusive practices within the program that Doug Weiss promotes.
A sexual agreement and the resumption of intimate relations should be one of the last things to work on in a relationship where multiple infidelities have occurred, yet this program seems to put that task first (to prevent the SA from acting out).
This demeans the woman and lowers her to being nothing more than a sexual release for her husband. The SA’s behaviors are not the fault of the woman, or whether or not she is sexually available. His bad choices are his and his alone. This is a not so subtle way of putting the blame for the SA’s behavior on the partner.
I don’t think that any partner should ever be encouraged to have sex with their SA partner until they somehow have complete assurance that they will not be exposed to STDs, until they have all the information about the acting out that they need, until they feel safe, until they have seen long lasting changes in the SA and until they have enough facts and honest information to be able give informed consent.
That’s a pretty tall order and does not happen in most cases. ~ JoAnn
Yes obviously they need to feel safe and have std testing etc- which I did do with my husband – however experiencing the program I completely disagree with your view but only because I am knee deep in the process and completely get why there is a sexual contract – I do however get that if the spouse that was traumatized by infidelity isn’t ready to go there – they shouldn’t – but cannot imagine the program enforcing that – just a very different experience and I look back before I did my own trauma work and can see how I would have viewed it differently then vs now – bottom line – it’s tough stuff to deal with 🙁
I am sorry that your experience wasn’t good but have been through the intensive with an extreme case and it was effective. I am now married 33 years and the last two have been very very happy and we were able to use Dr. Weiss’s materials and instruction to bring our marriage to safety. We did the lie detector test as well and I felt that everything was spot on from Dr. Weiss’s approach. My husband did as well – first counselor he would actually respect because he understood that even though it was hard – Dr Weiss knew what was what. This program and Dr. Weiss were instrumental in turning the marriage around so it is impossible for me to let you bash him as if he is a quack. You may not have been successful – but I wonder if you heard him right or understood what would be accomplished. Like another person said – before I spent the money to go out to an intensive I watched every video and read every book. I also explored every other possible help for the situation for years. He is the best one for the job
Thanks for your comment, all views are welcome. Even those that you or I may not agree with are valid.
In one of Dr Weiss’s books it states that with the sex contract you can not say no to sex unless you are sick enough that you could get a Dr’s note. That is like the first step to rape! Anyone having sex against their will is rape. I don’t understand why people don’t see that. Also, everyone except him says the SA needs a period of abstinence. The rest of his material has been helpful for us but that part is outrageous!
I don’t see Doug Weiss. Infact every time I look at his picture I cringe for some reason. I don’t like that his books only encourage his own resources vs including other writers/experts. The counseling groups have been SUPER beneficial however. They are outside of what Doug and his team do so it is separate but based off his books which are honestly very helpful. I have been working recovery for 5 years and have really gotten a lot out of his books. I have a separate counselor that had recommended the books. I have hear good things from people going through the intensives but the ones who have seen Doug directly haven’t seemed as pleased. Just some feedback from personal experience.
Any client or former client may contact the licensing board of the state where the therapist practices. If a client is in therapy with a new therapist, the new therapist may also assist with this process.
Have you read Partner Betrayal Trauma or Married and Alone?
A lot has changed.
I am sorry for the trauma so many women experienced.
I had quite a bit in my first marriage and stayed too long due to doormat theology.
I married a man who I thought was healthy (albeit not perfect) but I still had some wounds even after 3 years with a MFT.
He was both SA and IA. The Intimacy Anorexia
Is so devastating and both are crazy making.
I found H2H after being left bleeding out by CSAT certified groups here. I found true healing by going through my Married and Alone books, doing my group work and more. We weren’t bound to only Dr Weiss’s books. We shared many resources among the group.
I am thankful God used them to bind up my wounds.
I have a degree in psychology, now have 5 coaching certifications, my final cert being an AASAT Partner’s Recovery Coach.
I am paying forward that healing.
I pray that you all are able to find healing as well. I cried out to the Lord asking Him to complete my healing and He provided.
Also, for the woman who has a concern about what sounds like a sociopathic estranged spouse getting her disability benefits, etc. Know that any money or benefits received based on your body (ie a disability) is untouchable in a divorce. They have zero claim to any of it by law.
Also, as part of the curriculum, there are several exercises weighing the cost of the spouse’s behavior on your health, emotionally, financially and physically. Also a way to decide what your future looks like and to create a plan B if the addict chooses to not do recovery.
A relationship will not survive if only one does the work.
They are 100% responsible for their addictions.
We as partners are responsible to heal the wounds they have caused.
Hugs and prayers
After reading your story, my heart goes out to you. I’m wondering why you were not counseled to divorce your husband. According to scripture, if a husband cheats, and porn is cheating and so is spying on people having sex, then you are free to go. Not to mention the fact that rape is illegal and so is assault- both worthy of prison time. The Bible tells us to abide by the law, and to render to Ceaser what is Ceasers. We are to honor the law of land. Your husband has broken both. Scripture also talks in Matthew about confronting the sinful person who is not living according to scripture, and if after confronted by two, if that person does not repent then we are told to not even eat with such a person. Your husband, clearly, has no sign of repentance. The Bible also charges us that when in danger we need to “flee.” Thankfully, you have left him now. The Lord is with you and will heal the wounds your husband inflicted. Thankful you exposed H2H. I was thinking of going but will stay away. It’s an atrocity that no one counseled you correctly.
I have just found your website by typing in Borderline Personality Disorder and marriage counseling. My husband was diagnosed in 2015 but I can see that it was there from before.
Anyway, I have a question regarding the last writer…How is it that “we as partners are responsible to heal the wounds they have caused” ? How is that my responsibility? I do understand that I need to forgive as my Father in Heaven has forgiven me. I also know that when we forgive that it is for me not necessarily for the other person.
I haven’t attended anything at H2H, and I won’t because the prices are ridiculous. I did purchase 2 books and 2 DVDs, which I paid about $200 for. I’m desperate, and I’m learning that places like H2H know that and I think they may take advantage of that. I will say, though, that Weiss’ Facebook support group for wives of sex addicts has been really helpful in that it allows women in my position to connect and share our experiences. However, every post has to be reviewed before being made available, and while I see the wisdom of that, I also see the potential for abuse on the part of the moderator (H2H). Can someone recommend a free online group that offers the same kind of support where the content isn’t controlled by someone trying to make money off of me?
Toyka Williams to answer your question,
If you were hit by a car, you would have physical and emotional damages from being a victim of someone else hitting you with their car. In that scenario, the driver of the car can not undergo surgery to fix your wounds, they can not go to physical rehab to fix your injuries and they can not go to counseling to get you through the trauma of that event. The same rule applies, your husband can not do the work you are required to do to heal with or without him.
As partners, we have been broken by the emotional abuse of our husbands. Only we can fix those wounds in us that were created by this abuse. Does that stink yes, is it our fault, no. But just like a car accident victim has to undergo surgery, physical rehab to heal their bodies, we have to go through counseling to heal ours.
Additionally, I have attended a 5 day intensive with Doug Weiss in April 2019. I can honestly say that I experienced none of what some of the other woman have spoken of and happen to be in a group of over 60+ woman, many of us having attending an intensive with Doug and none of us had that experience. In fact, there are a few woman who are not at a place to have sex with their husbands and Doug has not told any of them they have to. He brings up different ways to foster intimacy and if the husband is working the program and the wife works her part of the program the goal is to get them to a healthy marriage which would involve sex, again this is when it is healthy for both spouses. Doug does not want SA men having object sex with their wife.
One of the woman that was in our group was actually diagnosed as IA as was her husband, it was rough for her but she did the work and looking back she realizes that Doug knew her husband wouldn’t change, so he gave her the tools to get healthy and leave him and she did.
He goes over the questions with the spouse for the polygraph before it is given, asking what questions they want on it and ones he thinks are important.
A group on Facebook for those suffering from behaviors of narcissists (not sex addicts per se, but still may be helpful. It is called “Victorious Voices” https://www.facebook.com/groups/197673434312459/about/
Laura Charanza and Dr. Carter offer advice for how to cope with narcissists; they are good with boundaries. Laura has a website and moderates/hosts the Facebook group; I recommend you subscribe to emails- there are special videos not posted on YouTube through subscription (it is free).
PS God bless!!
Well said! I echo your comments. I’m in a similar type of marriage.
I just completed the 5 day intensive… I believe that alot of questions were answered about intimacy anorexia…made sense….and also men make men….real principals we women need to understand. I do feel that the process was incomplete for me being a partner who has been repeatedly traumatized by my H, then I am required to make a sex agreement at some time in the process without being treated for the trauma or even validated. True validation would have then required treatment first….otherwise, I am retraumatized, not only by my spouse but the establishment (H2H). I am asking then, why is my trauma overlooked and not treated when I informed the counselor that I was traumatized? I then felt retraumatized because I felt there was not the support for me that I need, the betrayed spouse, who has been faced with multiple traumas from the H and others in the past. As professionals, you would think that they would know that and make that the priority and then put more emphasis during counseling sessions in the intensive (options like EMDR therapy) to release some of the pent up rage or anger that is held inside as we partners try to cope with no real outlet. My conclusion is: it is not a perfect system….so, that being said, I will take the things that work, work the program to the best of my ability (3 dailies, 5 commandments, women’s groups)….and also seek trauma therapy before working on a sexual agreement.
Yea, it’s unimaginable how someone could expect a marriage to work when each person has not received individual restoration before they engage back in a sexual relationship! When you stand before God, you are not going to be there with your spouse, you have to give an account for yourself. When God heals and restores people, he talks to and with that person … not the other person and you. This is a ministry that obviously needs improvement. Including the fact that Dr. Doug Weiss may be coming from the position of a past perpetrator, his perspective is vastly different than what it means to possibly be a victim, personally, although I’m sure he’s encountered many victims. This is why I believe he gives two options divorce or work on the marriage. In these extreme cases I’m trying to figure out why you expected him to state the obvious or be a fix all. I do believe he supports spouses who choose to divorce. But we can’t have or create a custom program that basically controls or babysits the person/perpretrator. If your spouse is physically abusive, a drug addict, open unsafe adulterer, especially committing these sins without protection he cannot tell you to divorce them … but I’m really unsure as to whether his ministry can do anything for you. Because remember it is a sexual restoration ministry Not drug, physical abuse, assault ministry. Obviously the first thing he wants to do is either get you healed from a divorce or traumatic separation and assist you in creating other healthy normal relationships OR help you work on the one you have. When Christ forgives us, he does it immediately, it’s not like this condemning situation for months and months… If a person is NOT willing to change to receive forgiveness from Christ, it is not necessarily for them because we don’t want to accept that free gift. Clearly some marriages are like that, if you have discovered a spouse who truly is unrepentent and/or have known it over the years, getting out, and getting your own restoration is likely for you. There have to be two willing parties … that is not Dr. Weiss’ fault. Although it seems as if this man needs to understand the perpetrators working on themselves individually BEFORE they engage in normal, healthy human sexual relationships again. And to the person who made the car accident comment OBVIOUSLY as well if a person is in accident, they take the time to heal, be healthy, and restored FIRST before they engage in normal activity again. Don’t let anyone, anywhere, I don’t care where that ministry comes from tell you, what you need to do for you. SEX should be experienced by a healthy and whole individual, PERIOD. Not a broken or traumatized person, that’s what we should be working to eliminate and get healthy sexual relationships back, either in the same or new marriage relationship. But some of the responsibility falls on us to make tough decisions we have to do.
Also, I do believe he has changed and learned over the years. He really acknowledges victims MUCH more. I posted a link of an interview he did on Daystar about Partner betrayal trauma.
What about Dr. Robert Weiss? What do you guys think about him?
I can not even imagine your journey. Just getting a glimpse from the above has left me speechless, and shocked. It’s as if the whole world just stopped for a moment in me as I reflect on the details of your story.
Hearing these experiences with Doug Weiss, confirm suspicions I have had for 10 years. By the time my husband (at the time) went to see Doug for intensive treatment, it was a last ditch effort to attempt to change my mind about divorce. It never swayed me. I received a phone call from Doug, asking me if I had any additional questions for the polygraph. I had maybe a minute to think of something because he seemed so rushed. I hadn’t planned for this call or question- so had nothing to add. When he called me later with the results, I was trying to write everything down but he was speaking so quickly, that I didn’t catch it all. I’m sure this was purposeful. I told him, that the fact that he “Passed” the polygraph- didn’t change my intentions. He tried to talk me out of divorce.
As it turns out, the polygraph was a lie. One question: “Does your wife know everything about your sexual history” – he answered “Yes”. And during the following year, more gruesome information came to light that I did not know about. This always puzzled me until I read the accounts here.
Thank you all for speaking out, and for speaking the truth.
Same same same! My experience at Heart to Heart was horrible! They are the WORST, I think Doug Weiss is still involved with other women outside his marriage (his wife is bat crap crazy too) and looking at porn and thus making wives look crazy when we demand change!! DO NOT GO THERE!