Wisdom From Partners
In this new weekly series, ‘What Partners Say’ I have gleaned the best of the best wisdom from the private forums of what partners say about sex addiction.
These are all anonymous and any personal information has been removed. Some of the comments may have been combined or edited, but all are real words from real women who are partners of sex addicts.
This week I have brought some words of wisdom from those of us who have ‘been there’. Reading these often brought tears to my eyes. The raw honesty of these women’s words emphasize the depth of the abuse they have borne.
Here are their words.
There is a REAL price to pay in keeping their secrets.
I stayed 19 years with my now ex Sex Addict Husband because he was such a GREAT guy. There was just no way he could do this. Yet he did do it again and again. He was and is a great father. I do not question whether that is real or not. He was and is a kind man. He treated me like a queen. He treated my family and his so well and with respect and kindness. Part of the reason why I was so in love with him was because of how important family was to him. I can not think of any fault in him.
Except he used prostitutes.
It was eroding my very being and I allowed it. I had to leave or die. I had to stop listening to the minimizing (“I didn’t have affairs” and “It was meaningless sex”) and start listening to the screaming in my head that was saying ‘get out now’. I had to take a good look at the situation and say to myself “Would you want your daughter in this kind of relationship?” The answer was always ‘no’, so why would I want it for myself? I got out.
I am still sad sometimes but I am also finding a use for the incredible amount of energy I used to spend ruminating and doubting and struggling with obvious truths that I just could not accept. What am I doing with that energy? Finding me again! Scary but finally living honestly.
Sometimes I worry that while waiting till we’ve ‘had enough’, we find ourselves slipping into someplace where we are no longer emotionally strong enough to have ‘had enough’.
Most of us have this nagging sense that something is rotten in Denmark, we just can’t put our finger on it.
It is not an easy decision and we don’t want to make it. So we dance around the fire a little longer, we hide in a bottle or our bed, we try to trick ourselves that it’s not THAT bad or maybe this therapist has the answer, this book, blah, blah. We are doing the work, the hoping, the suffering.
We’ve discussed this before, how normal, honest people believe the best about the people we love. And right, if we’re talking about things we could never conceive of doing to someone else, how could we easily make that leap to believing our partner could heap such abuse on us?
For the longest time I looked at our marriage as a scale with all the good on one side and that one bad on the other and was able to stay because the good outweighed the bad. But it really didn’t. It was eroding my very being and I allowed it. I had to leave or die.
It hurts so deeply. Nevertheless, once you emerge from the ashes…you are forever changed.
Stay tuned for more comments from partners on sex addiction therapy and watch for other posts from the ‘What Partners Say’ blog series.
These are real comments from real women. If you think you would benefit from the experiences and support of women who have walked the path of living with and loving a sex addict please consider joining our online support group. To find out more click here.